#17, March 2006

School is really rough now. I hate it. I don't get the same responses that I used to...both from peers and professors. No one listens to me anymore...people assume I'm stupid because I don't talk normally. I mean, this goes for the general society as well as school. I'm treated like my opinions don't count.

I don't know if its because now I have such low self-esteem about my intellect since that I've been hurt and I just imagine and predict I'm being treated as unintelligent, or if I'm really being treated that way.

I can't even drive. I'm like a twelve year old who asks her Mommy and Daddy for rides places. I'm trying to be positive about this whole thing but I'm not feeling like being positive. I guess you need to roll with the punches. I learned from Lion King that you can't change the past...

If you look at the pictures on my comp that are arranged by date, they go from normal pictures and the next one is this picture...

#16 January 2006

I started school back up. It's definitely not the same as it was before I got hurt. I can read a paragraph 10 times and not even know what it's talking about. Even if I tell myself before I start to make sure to pay attention, I have a hard time with it. I took my first test and I got a "C," which isn't so bad considering, but I don't get "C's!" I try to listen in class but it's tough. Before I got hurt I LOVED school, I don't think I'll be loving it any more. I was really good at it and I just enjoyed learning. Now the stuff I just studied I don't even remember so it's not really "learning" anymore. My memory is so very bad and I can't even pay attention to a question I ask that I really do want to know the answer too.

These are two of my favorite cousins/friends, Karli and Jordan. This was the first time I was out of the hospital.

#15 October 2005

My occupational therapist made me throw up. I'm never going back to him. He put me in front of this board thing where I had take a piece and look at the assigned letter. Say it was "A." Then I had to find the "A" on the board and match it up. I told him if I did that I would get sick. He said "Well suck it up. You need to get used to it some time." And so I did it. He went to take care of business and I started matching letters up. My sister, Kelsie, was with me. I told her I was feeling sick, so she had me sit down. Soon after I started walking to the bathroom while throwing up on myself and everything. So they gave me hospital clothes to change into and I went home.

I'm sorry, I just shared with you one of my worst experiences ever, second only to being in a coma. Yeah, well, throwing up is not my occupation either. Another poor guess on the part of my occupational therapists! If it wasn't for the fact that these people saved my life and taught me to walk and stuff, I would be furious with them all.



Another game from occupational therapy.

#14 December 2005

I'm going to this new physical therapist. Its a vestibular therapist in Salt Lake City. She said that my vestibular system isn't working at all right now and so she gave me assignments to do every day and I go see her about every two weeks. Right now, the exercises are working on standing on a foam pad with my eyes closed and doing this thing where I move my head back and forth. That makes me so very dizzy; I hate it. Standing on the foam pad is so hard.

She said that all people with a TBI go through a time when they're very sad and cry a lot and she feels bad for people who haven't gone through it yet because she knows they will. She said that there is a time of morning because a part of you is gone forever. It's like the You you knew died. I get what she's saying, and I really hope I'm going through that right now because it is not so bad!
[side note, I wasn't and hadn't]

#13 October 2005

My parents bought the house and we moved in. I like the house; I'm sad I never had the chance to throw a party here. People are still working on it and stuff - I really don't do anything. I sit on the couch and watch everyone else get stuff done. I just go to therapy and sleep. Eddie comes over every night after he goes to work.

I'm going to start up school again soon. Because I didn't defer for fall semester, I have to reapply to BYU. Can you believe that? "Sorry, I was a little preoccupied with a coma." My parents and fiancee were wondering if I was going to live so they weren't thinking about my schooling. Understandably, that was the least of their concerns. If I did wake up, they didn't even think I'd be able to go back anyways. So I can only take night classes right now for this winter semester. It kind of limits my class choices. I'm a psychology major so I think I will be taking this class on personality.

Their new house.

#12 September 2005

My Mom thinks it's necessary to end my contract with where I was at before my injury. I don't know why...maybe because she was sleeping on the floor? So we're staying in my aunt Virginia's guest room in Provo while my parents are trying to close escrow on a house here in Provo. I like the house-- its really cool. It's amazing how much of a house you can buy in Utah after you sell a house in California.
The other day my old physical therapist took me to go ride a horse that belongs to a friend of his. I still love horses. They were leading me around the arena with someone walking close to me in case I fell. Oh please, like I'll fall off a horse when it's walking in a circle. I wanted to go faster. Its like walking or driving-- I totally remember in my mind how to do it but it's just hard to get my body to do comply. So riding isn't as smooth as it use to be. It's going to take more than a kick to the head to get me to stop riding! It is so funny how my parents and Eddie are so rigid about me wearing a helmet!

This is me riding Elle when I went to Pennsylvania. I think she is only 3 or 4 as of this picture.

#11 September 2005

I cut myself shaving very badly! Before the hospital I shaved my arms (I thought the hair was disgusting) but I woke up and my arms were all hairy. I should have taken that as a hint that I WAS in a coma. Well one of the first things I did when I got home was shave my arms. You know how your left hand isn't as good at stuff and my I call my left hand my Parkinson's hand because it shakes so much. So I cut my right arm up a lot, and shaving injuries don't bleed right away, so I thought it wasn't too bad. I got out of the shower and my Mom and Eddie were there and they kinda freaked out. At that point my arm was just dripping in blood. I tried to play it down like it was no big deal. It looked like I stuck my arm down a disposal!

My therapists and I