Khya

I also promised you I'd post some pictures of Khya, my old horse, the one I said I had a dream about here. I said I'd get you pictures as soon as I figured out how to use our new scanner. But then I realized that was not going to happen, so I took a picture of the pictures I have up stairs. DEFINATELY NOT ones that are in the basement that I would have to walk down there and be cold to get. Sorry.

Without furter ado, I give you KHYA::

I wasn't kidding. A picture within a picture. A picture that I took when I was is HS for my photography class. I even developed it by myself in a dark room and everything. When I was in high school we didn't have digital cameras.


This is really great picture. I was so cool riding my horse with no saddle or no bridal.

She was pretty, huh?

PJs

I am a woman of my word. Usually. Here is a picture of the pajamas I made for christmas that I said I'd post in december. I made some for all three of us, but Eddie was still asleep and I thought 2 was better than none. And I know I could have framed this picture better in a million different ways, but here you go.



Archie's scab fell off yesterday. I don't know where. He probably ate it. Cool Archie.

Not Again

Archie is perfect. This can't happen to him, too.

He fell out of his stroller today and hit his head on the concrete. I had just put him in and hadn't even buckled him in yet, and I stopped paying attention for a second while I rummaged through my obviously too full purse. And he just climbed out the side. He doesn't have the common sense to not do stuff that's dangerous. I think he got that from his mom. He fell, and I heard a sound when his head hit the sidewalk. In the second or two it took me to pick him up, he started screaming. Poor baby. I was a few blocks from my home so we ran home, with him crying most of the way. When we went in the house he was pretty much done crying. When we got in the living room he just wanted to play with his toys. I called my Dr. and the nurse said to come in, so we did. She checked him out and I told her, among other things, about my injury. She understood why I was extra freaked out but she kept reassuring me that I did the right thing by bringing him in.

From what I hear, everything with the visible injury to the head was the same as mine. There was a scratch on a bump that became a goose egg within a couple minutes. It was even in the same area. I freaked out. That poor doctor was probably just humoring me. She was really great though. She gave me some things to look out for. Because although he didn't loose consiousness immediately, its still possible something could go wrong. I'm supposed to wake him up 2 times during the night to make sure things are ok. I have to bring him in if he throws up once. I'm supposed to give him tylonol, not advil. Here is a picture I took of him when he was sitting in his car seat when we got home from the doctor. When he realized I was taking a picture he got really excited. You can tell that my boy was in serious pain after his injury.


No matter what the doctor told me, I figure I probably overreacted. But it made me feel better. Also, I think maybe I didn't overreact because I can smile a lot even when I'm not feeling it inside. I pray he's ok.

The Vow

I received am email wondering about my thought on the movie "The Vow" and about TBIs in the media in general. I saw it, last night, because a my friend was going and she took me along. Who's going to pass up a free movie, especially when you never leave the house and you're really curious about the movie.



My review.

This movie was incredibly inaccurate, but who would think otherwise? I've seen enough movies to know that there is no way it would even have a hint of truth to it. You don't even have to be married to a film maker to know that. SO, I knew that going into it, but half way through I had to remind myself to stop comparing myself to it and thinking about how things were or would be, and then I found it much more "cute" and mildly entertaining, which is the most you could hope for really.

I know that when I'm telling people about my injury, usually one of the first things I say is that "Its not like the movies. You don't just wake up. At least I didn't." I then explain that I have heard of cases where it is more like the patient "wakes up" suddenly, but typically its a long, slow process. I say that its hard to know when I "woke up" because there were times when I apparently had my eyes open where I didn't remember and wasn't responsive to anything. There were times that I was medically awake that I didn't recall.

I wish people had a more accurate understanding of what I (and my kind) went through, but I think the best we can do is just kindly educate people on the reality. Katie (the wonderful girl who emailed me) said that a coma is not fun. IMHO, being in a coma is pretty much the best thing that happened to me. Well, if you are lucky enough to get kicked in the head, its best if you're in a coma. I think you should be in a coma if you get a paper cut. That is definitely a part of my life I am so thankful I didn't experience. But, Katie, I know thats not what you were say. Shes right: being hurt enough that you need to go into a coma isn't fun. Its not easy, waking up (or not waking up because you never had the relief of a coma) and relearning EVERYTHING.

Anyways, we're talking about Rachel McAdams here. Her character was based on a real person, Krickett Carpenter. Watch this YouTube video about her here. So it is possible that a head injury will make you lose memories, obviously. But Krickett lost the previous 18 months, not 5 years like the movie says. Whatever. We don't watch ckick flicks to learn about real life. If I was upset about their inaccurate portrayal of a coma than I'd have to be upset that my husband doesn't look like Channing Tatum.

I think if I had stronger opinions I'd probably be a more interesting person. I apologize if you feel like you read this whole post just to get to the end and realize "she doesn't care."

But this is what I was wondering about: Is there anyone out there who was in a coma who feels like they woke up and didn't have to relearn everything??

Dreams

First, I want to say thank you to Diane for suggesting I check out my state's Brain Injury Association site to see if theres a therapist that they recommend. No luck. Maybe I just couldn't find it? Let me blame the horse. I'm not as picky here now; I'll take any highly recommended therapist/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist in the area. Although I am drawing the line at analrapist. Hardy Har Har...I think I'm funny. I also think I've watched too much Arrested Development to remember that.

Moving on, I took like a 30 minute nap and I had this dream (which I thought wasn't even possible but who am I to say?). In my dream everything was current, like what happened has happened and I was 26 and everything. But I thought "man, I really miss my horse. I really should go see her again" so I went back to the stable I usually kept her at when I was in High School, right before I left for BYU. I had lots of horses, but she was the last one I had and dare I say favorite? Her name was Khya. I got her when she was 2 and broke her and everything. I wish I had a picture I could show you on this comp, but alas. I just asked my husband if we can scan one into the computer but he said its not hooked up yet. So that is forthcoming. It wasn't that long ago that we mainly had hard copies of pictures. She was a great horse. I really miss her.

Moving on. I went to my horse (it wasn't a big deal. I must have moved back to CA) and she was in the exact same stall and she was perfectly cared for. Although I remember thinking she was a little chubby. I touched her, and her coat was so soft and smooth. And that was it, I woke up. Will I ever have that again?

I told my husband. He said hes not buying me a horse. Hey dad, remember when you told me the same thing?? Ha. But I see Eddie's point: A house. A car. Getting my nails done every couple weeks. Will I ever be happy? Would a horse even work? Last I recall, I was pretty darn happy with my horses in CA, but then again I wasn't fighting snow to go see them there, and I wasn't trying to balance out so many other all so important responsibilities. Life was simpler then.

I remember it being hard when what hurt you was exactly what you want at the time. When I finally came to accept what people were telling me (that I had been in a coma because a horse kicked me in the head) which took me awhile to believe cuz my head never hurt, all I want to do was go be with my horses and cry in their manes. But then I remembered I couldn't walk anyways. Now theres no horses left for me. Any its not like any horse will do anyways. I need my horses. I need Khya. I need a horse I trust. One I know would go out of her way to never ever ever hurt me while still being beautiful and perfect.

One time I heard someone say that "horses are a little more expensive than therapy and counseling, but for more affective."

The Endless Search

I'm looking, looking, looking for a therapist or counselor somewhere close in Utah Valley. I'm looking for someone with experience with patients with head injuries. Voc. Rehab. sent me to this one guy like right after my injury but when I got there, I told him I was there for counselling, and he said Voc. Rehab. wants him to do some tests first. I figured he'd first do some tests so he knew what was going on with my TBI and then we'd get to the therapying next time. So he did his test, and then TOTALLY disappeared. Gone. Just like that.

Then, about 4 years ago I saw this one guy at BYU (I think I started this blog when I was in the middle of going to him). He was in the middle of his Ph.D program but it was a free service for students. That ended about 6 months to a year later, and the end was sort of strange. I think some weird things were going on. I was a little uncomfortable.

Anyways, either way sometimes I wonder if I got some good psychological help closer to "the event," I wonder if things would be different now. I currently feel pretty messed up. Its been 6 years and I think some things are building...?

Oh Luke, Luke, Luke.

Hey readers, read the first comment in my "friends" post.