Traumatic Brain Injury

The Endless Search

2012-01-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

I'm looking, looking, looking for a therapist or counselor somewhere close in Utah Valley. I'm looking for someone with experience with patients with head injuries. Voc. Rehab. sent me to this one guy like right after my injury but when I got there, I told him I was there for counselling, and he said Voc. Rehab. wants him to do some tests first. I figured he'd first do some tests so he knew what was going on with my TBI and then we'd get to the therapying next time. So he did his test, and then TOTALLY disappeared. Gone. Just like that.

Then, about 4 years ago I saw this one guy at BYU (I think I started this blog when I was in the middle of going to him). He was in the middle of his Ph.D program but it was a free service for students. That ended about 6 months to a year later, and the end was sort of strange. I think some weird things were going on. I was a little uncomfortable.

Anyways, either way sometimes I wonder if I got some good psychological help closer to "the event," I wonder if things would be different now. I currently feel pretty messed up. Its been 6 years and I think some things are building...?

Oh Luke, Luke, Luke.

2012-01-17T20:11:00.000-08:00

Hey readers, read the first comment in my "friends" post.

Friends

2012-01-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

One time I was telling my husband about someone I wanted to get to know. He told me that I didn't want to get too involved with this person because she had lots of issues. Although I see his point, sometimes I wonder if thats what people say about me.

I've been feeling very social lately, ever since I graduated BYU, and therefore lost my student job. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who can talk back, and "Mama" or "Ut-Oh" doesn't count. Isn't it telling that my kid's first word besides Mama and Dada is Ut-Oh? I think that means I'm wound a little to tight. Either that or I love Neon Trees- Animal too much, which I like to think is the reason.

It seems that I picked the wrong profession for wanting to be social. Well, atleast for now. I'm sure things will change soon enough. Being a mom to a young baby will leave you feeling pretty isolated. Archie is a wonderful sleeper and he's just so great, but this kid will never sleep one wink unless he is in his own room, with the door closed, lights off, all alone, holding his giraffe. He will not sleep anywhere else. Will he sleep at his Grandma and Grandpa King's? No way. He refuses. I think because he knows he doesn't have to refuse very long before he gets to get up!!

So point being, I'll talk to a friend and ask what she's doing, and she'll say shes at home while her baby naps. And she'll ask what I'm doing, and I'm doing the same thing, so there we sit in two different houses, feeling lonely and bored, while baby sleeps.

Also, I think I should consider making my house more "child friendly." I try really hard to limit the amount of time I spend at home with Archie when he's awake, because I am constantly worried that he'll hit his head of the floor, or stain my couch or something.

This is an old picture from when we first moved in. Its a little less sterile now.

I'm not saying I don't have great friends and stuff, just that so often I feel trapped in my silent world where everyone must tip toe. Its either that or I'm chasing Archie everywhere, wondering what my friend would be saying if I could actually talk to her.

Depressing Thoughts

2012-01-09T17:09:00.001-08:00

I realized, while thinking about my previously mentioned New Years Resolution that was to blog more, that if I'm going to blog more I think I need to open up more. That is something hard for me, because I'm a real person. My name is Breanne Everson King and I went to BYU and I live in Utah. This isn't anonymous, and I have friends that read this blog. If I trust someone with something, I'll tell them. But where do you draw the line? I think the whole Internet is a good place. But I feel like I should tell you.

I am this close (imagine I'm holding my fingers up close together) from totally loosing it. I go to brain injury support groups, I've read the books, and I know most people with a brain injury get overwhelmed easy and feel claustrophobic when theres a lot going on. Lots of times they can't handle loud noises or chaos. I've felt very lucky in the area. Except for this free outdoor concert in SLC that was seriously over crowed, I've handled it all pretty well.

Until I had a baby.

Archie crying and people trying to organize a HUGE family picture is a little too much. An Everson family picture is a problem in its own anyways. And going to CA sans husband 3 times in one fall is a lot to deal with. Throw in another trip to CA with husband, a trip to AZ, your baby's 1st birthday, the insanity of the holidays, YOUR HS BEST FRIENDS BABY DYING, and needing to look like you have it all together sort of makes it impossible. When Eddie and I were flying to AZ with Archie, Eddie said "we are NEVER flying anywhere else again with this kid until hes 10." I'm so glad he gets why it was so hard to fly to CA without him those other times. I'm not making it up! Archie is WILD. Fun, and cute, and my everything, but wild.

I think I've always wanted and strove to be independent, but recovering for a severe TBI makes it worse. Care givers out there, you're injured person does not want to feel incapable, stupid, or a burden. After people sitting outside my door while I shower and putting a giant bib on me, you want nothing else but to show people you can do it. And you don't need any ones help, no thanks for the offer.

This is so disorganized, its like a stream of consciousness.

Because I feel like people must think I'm dumb, I need to show them that I can do something right. I need to hand make cute gifts for people. I need a car with leather interior. One that has a bluetooth. I need a successful husband. And a baby that doesn't cry. And always looks darling. Because I can do something right, even if you think I'm a few fries short of a happy meal.

I always thought that I was made to be a mom. No, I was made to go through labor. But being a mom, thats been so tough. I always have wanted to have like 4 kids, maybe Archie will be an only child? I HATED breastfeeding, and I sort of hate it when I hear Archie cry when he wakes up from his nap. Does that make me the worst mom? I have to get out of my bed, or stop what I'm doing, because he's hungry? Give me a break. I'm a bad mom.

I've always wanted to get sick enough that I can't do my responsibilities. Like cook dinner or tend after Archie. Be careful what you wish for. As a mom, you don't get to get sick. You don't get to rest in bed. You don't get sick days at work. So I've thought I would enjoy it if I physically could not do anything. I should have enjoyed those 2 months in the hospital more. Anyways, I think I got food poisoning or something. I threw up this morning, but for the most part I've lay in bed and moaned when I get the WOST stomach craps. Makes me rather be in labor. I have a low grade fever, too. I feel like I got hit by a bus. Last time I felt this bad I woke up in the morning and felt 100%. So Eddie, who pulled an all nighter, is at work, and Archie is at my in laws. Thank goodness for them. And I've been in bed (and in the bathroom) all day. Maybe this is what I was really made for?

I feel SO GUILTY. I have the BEST baby, the BEST husband, the BEST house, the BEST car, and I could go on. But I'm not happy. I want to lay in bed all day. Oh, and the BEST phone. I really do appreciate all these things, and I know I should feel so satisfied and blessed, but I don't. However, I'm sure when I have a million dollars I will be happy though, right? I feel like I'm clawing for the edge of the swimming pool, but drowning.

If you read the title, I wasn't lying.

And lets talk about Ruby Jane Taylor. I know I could have saved that baby. I'm sure I could have stopped my friends indescribable paid. However, I was glad when the liver donation organizer lady told me I wasn't a match because I of my previous TBI. I was relieved that my life wouldn't have to be put on pause for 2 months. I figured someone else would work out, and I wouldn't be the one. I knew that baby would be fine. But she wasn't. I feel that if I was more persistent, and more pushy, and more selfless, Ani would have her 2 little girls still.

I think I should go see a counselor, or a therapist, don't you?

New Years Resolutions

2012-01-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

I am totally being honest when I say that it is one of my resolutions to be more diligent with writing on this blog. I have done really well the past little while (if you omit most of December) and I am going to keep it up. My King blog has been neglected completely, but I've noticed that I must simplify and prioritize if I am going to get anything done at all. So I'm down to one blog. Plus, if you want to keep up with my personal life, we can be Facebook friends. You can see all the pictures of Archie you want on there. Breanne Everson King. Lets be friends. Sacrifices must be made, and for you I sacrificed my family blog. I have to honor the memory of my King blog by making this TBI blog as wonderful as I can. I owe it that.

Other resolutions? I try to keep them to a minimum as to not disappoint myself when I don't keep them. But here is one: I am going to STRIVE to use my new precious amazing Iphone to its fullest potential. You know when you have something that could be great but you never really learn to use it? I am resolving to try to learn how to use the "reminders" thingy because, lets not forget that I forget everything. I've already been to the grocery store twice today and I still don't have my milk. How basic is that?

Also, whats a New Years without a resolution that involves your body? I plan to strive to get in shape. I'm pretty sure I weight less than I did before I had a baby (a year ago) because, we've all heard it, muscle weights more than fat. I am so so flabby now. Pre-Archie, I was at my friends house and saw they had a chin up bar. So I experimented, and did 16 chin ups, no problem. Recently I was at that friends house again and decided to see how my chin ups were going. I couldn't do 1. I want to do 16 next time I try.

I know I said on Facebook you could see all the pictures you want of Archie, but I doubt thats possible. Theres never enough pictures of Archie. Here is one for your viewing pleasure:

ARCHIE ON HALLOWEEN! Can you say worlds cutest bull dog?

Sleep

2012-01-01T20:59:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about sleep lately, like if you can train your body to need less sleep. I never thought that was possible, but then I heard someones new years resolution was to "train myself to need less sleep." Is that even an option? So I googled it tonight, and no, it doesn't seem to be. I right away found this article on www.physorg.com/ about that very issue. Ryan Szivos says its not possible.

I know that a TBI can cause sleep issues, either so you can't sleep or you sleep tons. When I first woke up I slept all the time, but I would think that any survivor of any traumatic experience would. I remember being SoSoSo exhausted from showering that I would need to take a nap right after. I would usually shower in the mornings (with my occupational therapist. weird huh?? Good thing she was a girl) and soon as my hair was combed out I would go back to sleep. And for about 2 years after I was a VERY hard sleeper. I slept through any and everything. Including the vent being broken in my room when I was visiting my inlaws and my husband bringing his parents in the room, them turning on the light, moving the bed, fixing the vent, putting the bed back, and leaving. Eddie told me about it in the morning. But motherhood is amazing. My baby turns over in his crib down the hall and I wake up. How does that happen? But besides those changes, my sleep has been very normal considering.

I know insomnia often sets in after a TBI. I would NEVER consider myself to suffer from that problem, but once or twice a year I lay in bed, trying to sleep, and not. So I do know that that would be horrible. I am so blessed that I don't have that challenge!

Fixing Mitochondria = Fixing Brain?

2011-12-29T15:39:00.000-08:00

I read an article about how the Mitochondria seems to play a big role in recovery of a TBI. I was reading an article about how Mitochondria is key to treating brain injuries by ABC. The article is by Denise Dador and in it she talked about a Dr. Jose Pineda, who is trying to help kids survive traumatic brain injuries and improve their recovery. His research in kids is looking at trauma to the mitochondria, the "power plant" that energizes cells in the brain. My first Psych. class was in 2002, I think, and we learned about the mitochondria, and I always figured it wasn't that big of a deal. The mitochondria are little things that doen't seem to affect too much. Or so I thought. But according to Dr. Pineda, "the mitochondria of children with brain injuries is failing, and it's failing for many, many weeks," They've been doing studies to see if stimulating the mitochondria can help the brain heal.

This seemed HUGE to me, so I did a little more research. Apparently they have been looking into the role of the Mitochondria in TBI for a LONG time. Theres an aticle about "Mitochondrial damage and dysfunction in traumatic brain injury" that can be found here on PubMed.

It makes sense to me. If you can slow down the death of cells by a super effective mitochondria, that would aid in recovery after a TBI, right? Mitochondria, step it up please!!

Christmas 2011

2011-12-26T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the blogging sabbatical. Things have been CrAzY for the past little bit. You get it, with Christmas and all. They shouldn't even count December as a real month. Its just a dedicated holiday month where you don't get anything done that you really need to do. Also, on December 15th we had Archie's first birthday. I have a cousin who has a family of 5. 4 of them have their birthday in December. Maybe thats a good plan. You have one insane month out of the year, and the rest of the year you just hang out. The holiday season has been a huge stress full of breakdowns for me, but thats another post. I can tell you about my December breakdowns ALL DAY.

Lets back up. Archie's birthday.

We did this Korean tradition (His Grandma is Korean) where you put 4 bowls in front of him, filled with noodles, rice, money, and pencils. Noodles= long life. Rice= never go hungry. Money= rich. Pencils= intelligent. Its a little Korean fortune telling. He picked the pencils, so better get started on that college fund.

Then Christmas came (pretty much the next day. Don't know how that happened.) I made matching PJs for the 3 of us. They have tractors on them. Whats best for Archie is best for all of us. Maybe when all 3 of us are wearing our PJs and someones around to take a picture I will show you. Archie got lots of toys. Eddie got luggage and legos. He's in his 30's. And I got the BEST. Eddie got me an iphone 4S. Its seriously amazing. My life is going to be so much more together now. And Siri is as, yes, incredible as one would hope. I'm going to be so much more organized now. I LOVE IT! Also, he got me 2 90 minute massages. Relaxation here I come. He said we can go together or I can go twice. He hates massages. Also, he just got one of those head massager things (like the kind they have at Sharper Image) and I told him I'd give him a 90 minute scalp massage.

We went to an hour of church yesterday, which was great, but before it started we were standing in the foyer and Archie's feet got caught on the rug and his little head went crashing into the door. He got a pretty good cut on one of his eyebrows. He screamed and Eddie and I took him into the bathroom and cleaned up his cut. Amazingly, there was a nurse there who was a HUGE help. Luckily, we didn't have to take him to the ER to get stitches on Christmas or anything, but the poor kid is so dang cute and sad looking all beat up.

We had to put a band aid pretty much covering his entire eyebrow, so the dark you see there is really just blood. I'm dreading changing his bandage. He's going to scream so much.

$10 Million for a Segway Accient

2011-12-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

Wow. I read an article by The Daily Mailer Report about a 23 year old man who was riding a Segway for some company demonstration thing (I have a really hard time with pronouns since my injury and I don't understand what company it was or why he was riding a Segway, or who owned the Segway or anything. I bet YOU could read the same article as me and get so much more understanding out of it.) Anyways, for some reason he was doing an obstacle course with NO HELMUT and BLINDFOLDED. Some company, not sure which, didn't even provide helmuts. Poor, poor guy.

In the end, he had to drop out of college and is now a handyman. He sued Segway (and won) for 10 million. I believe he deserves it. No helmuts?? And his whole life is now hindered. He can't do anything. Seriously, if I was supposed to be the breadwinner for this family, we'd be living under the overpass right now. That poor guy's ife of ever working (outside them home) is over.

When we went on our Segway tour of the Marriot in Az, they told us they never had a baby before, but if we brought a carrier for him, that would be fine. They put no helmut on my baby, but they did on us. I remember thinking "I doubt this is safe, but I'm sure they wouldn't do it if its a liability for them." If my baby's head got hurt, I think we would probably be new owners of every Marriot. And probably Segway too.

Tone-Deafness

2011-12-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago I took a quiz at here at musicbrain.com (as you can tell, I really like to take online quizzes. I was on a role a couple weeks ago). I took the test, and it said it would email me the results, and it hadn't by the next day so I forgot about it. The results were just emailed to me. Although it wasn't a quick turn around, I'm glad I did it. The results were very interesting. I've always figured I was either tone deaf or really close to it, but as it turns out I really just have NO rhythm. To directly quote from my emailed results, "not only are you not tone deaf, you are in the top 10% of our database!"
2 things:

1. Seriously?! Cool. Wheres the rhythm test?
2. Did I read a double negative? Or is it not? Not top 10% in grammar skillz.

ARIZONA

2011-12-12T21:51:00.001-08:00

Eddie, Archie and I went to Scottsdale, Az to visit my parents this past weekend. My brother and sister also came. My mom's 50th birthday is on the 16th and Archie turns 1 on the 15th so it was a little pre-birthday celebration. My dad's taking my mom on a surprise trip for her birthday and we wanted to be home for Archie's 1st birthday, so thats why we originally planned it. Also, Eddie, Archie and I had never seen their house (they moved there like 1.5 years ago) and the boys went to a 49ers football game. Eddie's a big fan and hes never been to a game and my dads always been a fan to.

Let me tell you the highlight of the trip. We went on a segway tour. Call me a dork but that makes my list as one of the top funnest things I've ever done. No one told me. I heard they're actually pretty fun and not to hard to do, but it wasn't "pretty" fun, it was really fun. But, I know like all things, it is what you make it, and I made sure I had fun.

Eddie put Archie on his back (could that be legal?) and we toured the grounds of the Marriot in Scottsdale? I don't even know. I didn't care where I was going. I have the worst balence and even I could do it. Its not hard. Actually, I got the hang of it really quickly and felt comfortable and confident right away. I am a good segway rider. So comfortable that I hit a speed bump (against the instructors wishes) going pretty quick and its been reported that I got a couple feet of air. Here is my family on the segway tour.

One Thing we Can Learn From NHL

2011-12-10T19:29:00.000-08:00

I was reading (in an article on Yahoo! Sports by Sheryl Ubelacker from The Canadian Press) about the discovery that former NHL enforcer Derek Boogaard's brain shows signs of a neurodegenerative disease linked to repeated head injuries. That MIGHT have something to do with the fighting that often goes on in the sport. Is it really a good idea to put your brain through that sort of treatment? Not to mention the rest of your body?

Derek Boogaard was 28 when he died in May 2011 of an accidental overdose. His family donated his brain for examination and it was then discovered that his brain had been injured. Apparently, this guy was pretty intense and almost out of control in his hockey games. He was involved in a lot of fights.

Hockey is a pretty physical sport, and while we're talking about it so is football. In 2008, BYU Professor Dr. Erin Bigler proved how much a concussion affects the brain in the long term. How could any one assume that you can get a concussion while playing sports and you only have minor effects? I think we need to be more careful with our brains. I know I will always were a helmut while working with horses. But I would hope I've learned my lesson!

Ruby Jane's Service

2011-12-09T22:29:00.000-08:00

Just recently I got to participate in a wonderful service project. Lots of cemeterys nationwide have an Angel of Hope, and once a year, on Dec. 6th, they have a memorial service for all of the parents who lost a child. Remember my friend Ani Taylor (I blogged recently about her here)? Whose daughter, Ruby Jane Taylor, didn't get her liver transplant in time and left us? Well, in Ca, Ani organized a group who went to the cemetery on Dec. 6th, and cleaned the headstones and left flowers on the graves. Read about it here. Lots of people who lived in different parts of the United States did the same thing at the cemeteries in their areas. So I went to the nearest cemetery with an Angel of Hope memorial and did the project in Utah. The closest one was at the Ogden City Cemetery, which is about 1 1/2 hours away from Provo (about 1/2 from Salt Lake City). They had a "smaller" cemetery with about 220 headstones. They didn't have a children's section, so I had to walk up and down the cemetery and do the math (its a good thing I graduated college).

Some things happened and I ended up being there alone but, in some ways, I am grateful for that. It was, obviously, much more personal and meaningful. Walking up and down the rows of headstones and looking for the tiny markers was so sad. It was extra sad when I saw two graves near eachother of babies with the same last name that were a couple years apart. That poor, poor mom. The best we can do is pray for her.

It was insightful looking at the dates. I am not too young to die. There were so many young adults. How come I got kicked in the head by a HORSE and am doing pretty dang good these days? It just made me appreciate my life and my babies health so much. Either I have been blessed or I'm super lucky.

Here are some images from Ogden City Cemetery.

Merry Christmas, guys.

The guy who was in charge of the memorial called me to ask me why I did it and stuff. I told him it was for the Ruby Jane Foundation. I got to explain that one of our big goals is Organ Donation Awareness. I was so happy he asked! I love Ruby, and I love Ani, and I am so happy to do whatever I can for Ani and Ruby's cause.

Autism-Spectrum Quotient

2011-12-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

For thanksgiving my family and I went down to southern CA for a reunion with my dad's family.

When I went down there I saw this test posted on Facebook.
It is an Autism-Spectrum Quotient test, and you know if its on Facebook it is accurate. If this doesn't scream test validity, I don't know what does. You pretty much can be diagnosed right there by the test. In the little explanation it tells you that it is "a measure of the extent of autistic traits in adults. In the first major trial using the test, the average score in the control group was 16.4. Eighty percent of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or higher. The test is not a means for making a diagnosis, however, and many who score above 32 and even meet the diagnostic criteria for mild autism or Asperger's report no difficulty functioning in their everyday lives."

I took it. Why not? Its fun, right? So what was my score? 29. I took it with my dad as I would have responded before I got hurt. I got a 9. There are SO many problems here, but its entertaining and interesting, right? The main reason for the huge disparity in the results, I believe, is mainly because I am incredibly rigid in everything I do now. This is all a compensatory strategy. You know what happens if I change my plan or don't follow my schedule? I forget to turn off the oven, I leave the house with no shoes on, and I forget to put my item I am returning in the car when I go try to return that item.

So anyways, I replied to my friend on Facebook and made some joke about how I scored so high and "just call me autistic." Then I reposted it, because I found it interesting.

Later, my husband ran into that friend who posted the test (the one I made a joke about being Autistic to) and he asked "oh my gosh, did I offend her? Is anything wrong?"

The following is how you DON'T feel stupid:
Me: "OMG, I can't believe I did that, I am so stupid."
Other Person : "Haha, that was pretty dumb."

This is how you DO feel stupid:
Me: "OMG, I can't believe I did that, I am so stupid."
Other Person : "NO! You are not stupid! Don't say that."

Because he thought I was serious, I feel like he thinks I actually believe it and that its sort of true. So apparently this guy really does think I am Autistic. I'm trying to figure out whats wrong with that, anyways. I think the only thing thats wrong with being Autistic is that other people think of it negatively. And plus, I'm not autistic. I had a severe brain injury. Why do people take everything I say so seriously these days? Honestly, if everything I said was serious, there would probably be a lot more dead people right now. Because I'm going to kill that guy who cut me off, right?

That person freaking out because he thought I was offended and just made a new discovery that I was Autistic is the stupid one. I'm going to kill him.

How Music Can Play a Part in Brain Injury Recovery

2011-12-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

I read an article by Karen Weintraub in USA TODAY about how music can help an injured brain (read it here). One man, Carey Gordon, loves R&B and when he starts getting stressed or angry, he turnes up his speakers. When he feels those emotions, a dangerous seizure can be triggered, and the music helps him calm down. This article also says that music has also helped him to recover some of the dexterity he lost when seizures partially paralyzed his right side. He can now how hold his chefs knife again, although he can't do it professionally yet! Music helped him get back his "upbeat attitude."

I also read an article about Gabby Giffords, a US Congresswoman from Arizona who was shot about 10.5 months ago, on ABC News. The article and the accompanying video was done by Katie Moisse and Bob Woodruff (I actually wrote about him earlier here). Gifford has since relearned how to talk, largely accredited to Music Therapy. She was injured in the left side of the brain, where language is controlled. However, music exists in both heispheres. The article says that scientists are finding that music can help to rebuild language on the uninjured right side. Amazing. Sometimes I like to think of the brain as a road map. There is the end goal in the distance (like speech in this case). We knew the fastest way there, but then a bullet comes along and creates a road block. So we have to find another way to our destination. Maybe its not as fast, but you can still get there. Maybe the right side has to figure out a new path to speech.

Because, you know, this is my blog, I was thinking about how music influenced my recovery (to this point). I, to, had to relearn how to talk but my injury was different. My left side wasn't hurt. It was mainly my cerebellum. I had "cerebellar mustism," which resulted in Dysarthia (which, according to Wikipedia is "a motor speech disorder resulting from neurological injury of the motor component of the motor-speech system and is characterized by poor articulation of phonemes"). I knew all the words I just couldn't get my throat muscles to say them. There was no music therapy at all.

The year after I got hurt and before I got married I lived at my parents home and they so kindly took me to all my therapies and doctor appointments. And after a couple months to my first class back at BYU (which was Personality and I got a B). Eddie made me a CD that I listened to a lot with music by Nick Drake. "Pink Moon" takes me back to that time and it makes me really sad. Apparently, I must have been pretty sad at that time of my life. Thats the only way I can think that music plays any role in my recovery. It really didn't. It justs transplants me into that time of my life. There you go.

Someone I Met

2011-10-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

I went to this Brain Injury/Stroke support group and a really interesting person talked to us. So was in her late 30sish and when she was 14 she was at camp and she fell off a cliff. She broke her back as well as hit her head, but the drs were really just concerned with her back. That eventually recovered and she went on with her life. It wasn't until about 10 years ago she found out she had an intense brain injury. Between her fall and the discovery of her brain injury, she was diagnosed as schizophrenic, bipolar, and OCD. She says she sees things, but she knew it wasn't real schizophrenia because shes always known it wasn't real. She has a real problem with "things that run," like sprinklers or the air conditioner. I thought that point was SO INTERESTING because I have an issue with bathroom fans. They drive me insane. If the fan needs to be on, you know, for some weird reason, I turn it on when I'm leaving the room. My husband thinks if we don't put the fan on when we're showering, we'll have mold. Sometimes he'll leave it on and forget about it while I'm already in bed (this is the master bath fan right by my bedroom). I can't sleep. I have to turn it off. I definately don't remember it being an issue when I was growing up. It seems to be a AI thing (after injury).

I told my husband about our guest speaker and he said "I didn't know a brain injury can do those things to you." Halle freaking lujah. I hope hes now realizing how CrAzY a TBI can make you. You're not right. You're not the same. How I'm not kidding when I say "make sure you turn off that fan as soon as possible." So, loved ones of people with brain injuries, we're not being dramatic.

But its hard to know when somethings goes from a "thing I have" to an obsession. Everyones has "things". Maybe we should all be respectful of peoples "things?" While we're on the topic of obsessions or things, you know how there will be two different light switches for one light? Like on opposite sides of the room or at the top and bottom of stairs? I don't care which way you're going, but down means off and up means on. I can't handle it when they get mixed up. I'll walk around the house making sure they're all down, because house guests and husbands don't care to much, even if its night time and I have to be in the dark to make sure they're all in the right position.

Do you have any AI obsessions or things? Or did you not have an injury but have some? Or any thoughts on the subject? Like how to let the bathroom fan go?

CA 2011

2011-09-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

California has been rough to me over the past few months. To me, South Orange County is perfection, but over the past couple months it has been hard. With everything with Ruby and this past Ca trip, I mean. My cousin got married in Newport, and thats why I was there this weekend. It was very beautiful. I am so very happy for her, and her new husband. But I decided to drive down (I was too excited about my new car to leave it home! Black 2009 Nissan Rogue, and I love it!) but my cousin I was going to drive with got really sick last minute. And my little sister's ride wasn't working out, so she decided to come with me. If she didn't say she would help, I would fly or find someone else to drive with. So, yes, I expected to have help from her. On the way down Archie would be crying and she'd be closing her eyes. That set me off to start my weekend in a bad mood, but there were no fights going down. Just resentment, so, you know, NO BIG DEAL.

I was SUPER CLOSE to a couple of my cousins a little before I got hurt. I always hope its going to be the same. I always want to feel such a bond with them again. But its not even close....and I want it to be so bad. I always hold on to the hope that we can stay up and talk and stuff, but no. A couple things happened around the same time I got hurt. I got engaged, I moved in with other friends, and then my parents moved to Utah and I moved in with them. So I don't really know why. It was probably my fault our relationships seem to end there. I got married, they had adventures together. Now that Archie is here, it seems cemented. We're doing different things; we just have shallow conversations about whatever. Not that I blame them, AT ALL, but our lives are just in totally different places now. I know I need to just grow up, move on. Why is it so hard for me?

So I was still not happy at all when this weekend was coming to an end. Then my sister dropped a bomb on me: She was going to do some reading for school and write 2 papers on the way home. And these were papers for a college course, not papers for middle school. You know how long that would take me to do? At least 3 or 4 hours, and thats not including a baby crying, a radio on (to keep the lone driver awake), and getting car sick while reading while driving (and I'm not even abnormal about my car sick levels). So breakdown ensued, including (but not necessarily ending with) getting out of my car and walking to my grandma's house (in Newport). Are you kidding me?

Wow, I was furious. I hate to admit it, and it makes to cry to write this (it never gets easier to say or realize), but I'm not the same person I was before I got hurt. It does not take much to set me off. And by "off" I mean capable of saying the most hurtful thing I can think of. In my defense, I told my sister a compromise I was willing to make, and told her if she could think of a different one, I was willing to listen. She just left. After my sister left the house the next morning and wouldn't answer or return my phone calls, and I left alone to drive home to Utah with my baby (If I was going to drive 12 hours alone I had to get started! And I had to keep my baby safe; he's my top priority now), I sent her the following text (remember, I have no problem saying mean things when I'm mad)

"I'm pretty sure I'm being rational right now, but if I'm not its not my fault because you're the one who couldn't hold the horse."

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but my sister was holding the horse and I was standing in the middle of him, around his back. Then the horse jumped forward and kicked, getting me in the head. For 6 years I haven't mentioned to anyone that I wonder if maybe things would have been different if she kept that horse from getting so far ahead of me so I was in his kicking range. I know it was an accident. I knew that if she knew that is what I was thinking she'd be hurt. But, thats what you get for hurting me I guess.

Where would I be now? Would I get to have my perfect son? Would I be married to such a wonderful man? Would I remember my appointments? Would I still have my cousins as friends? I'll never know, I guess.

Kid Tiger Crafts

2011-09-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

I've been talking about doing this for a while now, but I finally did it. I started an Etsy shop. I'm a little behind on this, I feel like the hype is gone, but I decided I might as well have a shop open and if I make something from it, then great. Knitting is a hobby of mine. I feel like its relaxing, and at the same time its like doing "therapy." I have always hated it when people would tell me things like "hey Bree, empty the dishwasher. Its great therapy." Give me a break. But, anyways, I proudly present my knitting shop. I've only listed booties for boys for now, but I have about 3 pairs for girls that I'll put up as soon as I get pictures of them. Love knitting. Love babies. Love money. I'm just an all around lover.

I called it "Kid Tiger Crafts" because Archie is my very own Kid Tiger. Just look at him:

Thats a tiger. Hes The Year of the Tiger. And he loves to growl. Tigers growl, right? Maybe not. Opps.

Here is one pair of booties

Check out my shop at kidtigercrafts.com

I'm so happy about this!

Ruby Jane

2011-08-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

I've been in such disbelief over poor baby Ruby Jane Taylor that I haven't even blogged about it yet. But, its just, I have so many feelings, I just need to share. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...

I don't even know where to begin. In H.S., Ani Bewsey Taylor and I would talk about our hopes and dreams for our one day children. Ok, who am I kidding? We'd talk about our hopes and dreams for our future hot husbands. Then, we were each others bridesmaids when we married those hot husbands we dreamt of. Ani (the early adopter and trail blazer) had a perfect baby girl (Kate) a couple years ago. Then, when I found out I was pregnant, I called and told Ani before I even told my previously mentioned hot husband. Ani found out she was pregnant too and we were due 3 days apart. We'd email, text, or call about how it was going and then Ani threw me a baby shower out in CA at her parents home. I talked to my mom on the phone the night Archie was born (she wasn't able to make it on time; Eddie barely made it on time) and she told me she was talking to Ani's mom and that Ani was in the hospital, too. Maybe it was the hormones but I FREAKED OUT. But then, I found out it was a false alarm. So close! But a couple weeks later (Archie was a little early) Ruby Jane was born to Matt and Ani Taylor to be a little sister to Kate.

I'll make a long, but incredibly touching, story short (but I DO suggest you read up!! Go to Ani and Matt Taylor's blog or just google Ruby Jane Taylor). When Ruby was a couple months old they found out she had a serious liver problem and that she would need a transplant to survive much longer. My thoughts were that there was no way this would be a problem. Its freaking 2011 and everyone loves that family anyways. There would be a million livers. Then, in the middle of June, when the problem still hadn't resolved, I made a quick trip to CA with Archie to stay with Ani and Ruby while Matt and Kate were out of town. Before this trip, I'd seen pictures, I knew it was bad, but I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I looked in Ruby's eyes. One morning, when I was already up with out of control Archie and Ruby was still enjoying her beauty rest, there were 2 times she woke up and I went in her room to make sure Ruby was Ok so Ani could get some sleep. I'm so happy I did. It gave me a second to be alone with Ruby and to feel her spirit. Although, I do sort of feel guilty for stealing that time from her mom.

The day I left CA, I'm fairly certain Ani and I both understood somehow what would happen. Leaving was so hard. I was even tearing up on the airplane. Maybe it was because I was flying JetBlue (TOTALLY KIDDING! I LOVE Jetblue! I'm just trying to cut the tension. I feel uncomfortable with my emotions).

Things quickly started getting more intense and serious, so I called the hospital to volunteer my liver (they needed someone who was small enough that an 8th of the donors liver would fit in a baby. I thought maybe 100 lbs would do it). The coordinator said she didn't want my liver because I'm "not in perfect health" because of my brain injury. Should I be offended? Because I am. I'm pretty sure I barely even get colds. If that makes me feel very inadequate, just imagine what Ani is feeling as Ruby's mom because her liver wouldn't work. Anyone whos got at least 1/50th of a brain knows that its no ones fault that Ani's (or my) liver wouldn't be a perfect fit. I just think Ruby would prefer my questionable liver right now.

So after way too much of a trial thats anyones supposed to deal with (think Job), baby girl Ruby Jane passed away on Aug. 11th.

You know how people say when they recieve bad news they are "numb." Yeah, it totally happened. For 30 seconds there was no feeling what so ever. Then it hit me. I didn't sleep that night. I don't think there are many people who understood how hard it was on me. A) A baby died. B) It was my best friends baby. C) I'm certain I could have helped. D) Can you say Guilty? Archie, same age, is perfectly healthy in every way.

So I went to CA for the service. Stayed with the "other Everson's" in Newport Beach (my Dad's brother's house). Tuesday I went to the service, and I lived another stereotype. You know how people say they can't talk when they're overcome with emotions? Theres a first time for everything, even for this girl who loves to blab. I saw Ani for the first time since everything happened, and we just hugged, and cried. I tried to say "Hi" or ask how she was doing but all that came out was one little squeek. And then saying something seemed too hard. And it seemed so inadequate. What could I say? Apparently a photorapher caught this moment because this showed up in a newspaper article.

Its still tough on me. I know that this baby's work here was done, because there is no way that this would have happened if God wasn't trying to make it end like it did. There were way too many people trying and willing to donate their livers and too many options that were so close to being a match. This was God's plan. Well, part of God's plan. Theres a lot more that I'm sure will still happen, both in this life and in the life to come. Its not like God stepped out for a minute and there was some sudden freak accident he couldn't see coming. This was set in motion since before Ruby was born. I wrote Ani a letter and in it I said that this was a lesson only Ani, Matt, and Ruby could teach. I don't think I emphasized that enough. If it was me, I would lay down in bed and proceed to guilt people into paying for my medical bills. Ani continues to amaze me. Did you know they're starting a bloody non-profit with the goal of "promoting organ donation awareness, enacting legislation to enable families to make informed and educated decisions regarding organ donation, and to raise money to support the cause." I know I signed up to be an organ donor really quick.

Like "Bows for ruby" on FB and bid on the booties I donated:

All proceeds go helping the Taylors pay for Ruby's medical bills.
Go here to donate directly to the family.
Her foundation page is here.

The toughest thing thats happened to me in my life really dims compared to this. Taylors, you have everyone you've ever met (and many you never met) supporting you on this. Love you.

FAQ

2011-07-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

I got a reader question emailed to me and I would like to address it here. Thanks for the email! Katie, you're so wonderful! I'm really glad there are other people out there who are trying to deal with similar things. She asked if I have any residual effects from my injury. Like headaches and stuff. I am happy and feel so blessed to say that no, I haven't had a headache since the day I woke up! It was a bit of a miracle. No headache like the doctors assumed. Of course I have headaches, but I always had them before so how could I expect them to go away? I get headaches if I'm really hot or, I guess, if its super cold and every muscle in my body is tense so I don't freeze, and my neck cramps up. Also, no seizures, like the doctors also thought. Atleast I haven't had one yet! Knock on wood.

I do get horrible Canker Sores. They're never ending and I've had up to 6 sores at one time. I don't know why. They started right after I left the hospital. It might just be a coincidence. We don't know why I have them, but I do. And it makes talking and eating a big pain.

As far as physical pain, thats really it. I do have some really bad hips. Its gotten worse since my accident but they've been a problem since I was about 10. They might be getting worse just because of time. Who knows?

Another thing, I'm a great sleeper. I know that goes both ways with head injuries, and I sort of lucked out! For the first 1.5-2 yearsish I was a incredibly hard sleeper. Nothing woke me up. One time my inlaws came in my room, turned on the lights, picked up the bed and moved it, fixed the vent in the wall, and moved the bed back, all without me waking up. Now sleep is pretty normal, although I have always suffered from "sleep paralysis."

Also, I got a new camera, and I still haven't figured out how to get pictures off of it and onto a computer. When I do, I have lots of pictures on there! Until then, we just have black and white text. If you have any questions or things you'd like me to tell you about, lets hear it!

Still Me

2011-07-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

*I wrote most of this on 7/7/11*
Not sure why I picked today to start the book I'm starting, but I did. I wanted a book to read this weekend, so I went to the library and asked for a recommendation on a good biography. I wanted a lighter paperback, because being stupid I thought it would be fine to walk to the library pushing baby Archie in his stroller. My husband had taken the good stroller with him when he went to work (it was in the back of the car) so I just took the $20 cheap stroller that didn't have much room to store anything so I had to carry everything with me the 10 blocks. And it was probably 90 degrees outside. Baby Archie cried the whole way home, and his cry is rare but not quiet.

The girl suggested Christopher Reeve's autobiography. Great. That sounds uplifting! Us people with horse injuries need to stick together. So I got on my flight and started up reading "Still Me." For some reason I never put two and two together: today its been 6 years exactly since my accident. I just never thought that maybe it would stir up some strange emotions. For some reason I really get some kick out of making myself sad. I think I just like to feel. I love to scare myself too. Maybe subconsciously I thought it would be a good read. I'm sure any day of the year it would make me feel...strange. I don't even know how to feel.

I realize our injuries are COMPLETELY different. His neck and spine were hurt. My head. But there are comparisons, serious horse injuries. He goes into when he was trying to figure out what happened and whose fault it was, but then he realized it doesn't matter. If you're never going to be in that situation again, you don't need to learn from your mistakes. He never once said it was the horse's fault. Why would it be? Should we really give animals that much credit? I know Spirit (the horse who kicked me was named Spirit) didn't intentionally hurt me. But I knew he wasn't going to be careful with me either. I knew he was a scared, flighty horse who was just looking out for #1. I knew that from all the time I spent working with the horse. I knew that from all the time I've spent with horses in general. Maybe I'm a horse whisperer. A horse whisperer who thought I could avoid what the horse was saying. He was saying something to the affect of "if I'm nervous you're going down." I thought he was kidding.

Mr. Reeves writes so beautifully. He goes into detail of what he was thinking and feeling when he figured out he was hurt. He was aware enough to have to make a decision to live or die and to know what other people were around and doing. So, naturally, I started thinking about what I was feeling, and to be honest I wasn't thinking much. I'll say it now and I'll say it again: Being in a coma was the biggest blessing. I never thought anything. I just slept. I never hurt. He had horrible pain. I wasn't comfortable, waking up and puking every time I moved my head. But there was no pain. I think I didn't have strong feelings when I realized what happened because I figured it was some sort of joke until the initial shock wore off. I didn't really think about what things would be like with 1/2 a cerebellum short of a whole brain. When I woke up and couldn't walk or talk I knew I would be fine. I don't think I ever gave myself the option to have my life changed, and with my injury it was sort of an option. My life was always perfect and no horse's foot would change that. It would take more. I'm living a privileged life and I wasn't going to think about letting it go. Am I fooling myself into saying its perfect? Tell me I am. I want to feel like I'm amazing and have the best attitude.

2011-05-31T20:08:00.000-07:00

I am going to be a better -kinder- person in my heart and mind.

Loss

2011-02-28T21:30:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about loss in my life a little today. The other day I was talking to two of my friends, both who have experienced a miscarriage. One was saying that her mom could never understand because she had never had a miscarriage (the other's mom had). Talk about feeling a bit guilty, as I sat their with my perfectly healthy baby who has never had so much as a cold in his 10 short weeks. Although I've never had a miscarriage, I do know that I'd be destroyed if anything happened to my baby. I thought of any death I've had in my life; I lost my grandpa and my cousin that I barely knew. But I realized that the biggest loss in my life happened on a day when a pretty big part of me died. I'm not the same person. I don't remember much, I'm a BIT more touchy, and my motor skills are as good as a inebriated person. I swear I'm an understanding person! But maybe its just something I could never imagine. Maybe its something I feel like I get but really have no idea how tough it is to actually go through. Maybe if I was sitting here passing time in my loney life I'd get it more than if I was waiting for the next time to feed my perfect little boy.

Baby Archie

2011-02-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

Hi I know its been a while. Just want eveyone to know that I HAD MY BABY!! I love every second of it. My labor was SO FAST and so uncomplicated, and my body went right back to how it was so quickly that I feel like maybe having babies is my life calling? I should be a professional surrogate. I didn't get any stretch marks and I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans in a couple weeks. Such unexpected great things!
Having had this serious of a brain injury, its going to give you a little drop in self-confidence, right? All of the unknown with being a new mom is going to cause damage to your self confidence anyways. And as uncomplicated as my labor was, my baby is just as uncomplicated. He's great. So if my baby is doing so good, why do people feel like they need to tell me how to do my job? Because clearly we're doing great. So you're wondering what kind of person will tell someone else how to do there job? Well let me tell you how that happens. They give advice, they tell you how things worked for them, they don't do what you would normally do (thats because they think my way is wrong and their way is right, right?), they remind you of things (because dumb people always forget). Point being, I'm super sensitive about my baby. Its best if when someone is talking to me about my baby they just say "You have the world's best baby" and walk away, because I can agree with that. Communication with me is super simple!!! Gosh, I have got to grow up.
Now lets just look at my boy. Archibald. Or "Archie" as we like to call him.

The night Archie was born (Dec. 15th, 2010, mark your calendars)

I have a baby!

Our little family.

Yup, He's perfect.

Things That Were A Waste of Time

2010-12-08T23:54:00.000-08:00

Since I'm sure there aren't many of you readers out there, I can just post my current thoughts, even though I'll probably regret them soon enough and I'll wish I didn't say them. But I'm just going to say it, even though I'm sure this isn't a popular consensus, and I always hear otherwise, but I COMPLETELY REGRET GETTING A DEGREE FROM BYU! There you go. Kids, my kid, you heard it here first. Education can be a complete waste of time and effort.

Ok, to be fair, just finishing it to finish it is a big, fat, waste. I'm sure an education is useful if you actually learn stuff and take it seriously, and apply yourself. I definitely won't get a chance to apply what I "learned" because a disabled, pregnant, psychology major is not in very high demand in Provo, Utah. Apparently, I can't even use my college education to help me be the most incredible Gap sales associate. Or even help me be a mediocre sales associate. I can't even be the worst sales associate Gap has ever had.

Can you tell I'm a little bitter at BYU right now? I really don't know one good thing thats come from it. Yeah, I don't want you to tell me why it was a good thing. I don't want to hear about the "therapy" it was for my TBI recovery. I could have gotten the same recovery by going to a trade school or something that could have actually helped me get a job. I don't want to hear about the bad economy. I don't want to hear about how it will be good to have in my future. It better be good for my future because its worthless now. I guess the only way you can say that "Getting an education was a good idea" is if its followed by "I would like to hire you."

12 Things you Miss Most While Pregnant

2010-09-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

I came across this list on babycenter.com and thought it was interesting.

#1 A normal sense of smell. I haven't notice a difference really...maybe?
#2 Booze. I'm mormon, I've missed that my whole life. I don't want to hear about it.
#3 Off-limits foods. True, but you can usually find a way around it. Heat up your dang lunch meat and stop whining.
#4 Peaceful sleep. I am luckily a great sleeper. No problem here yet and only 2 weeks away from my 3rd trimester.
#5 Cute shoes. Are you serious?! I have NO sympathy for these people. For 9 months they can't wear cute shoes? Give me a break. For the past 5 years and I'm sure for the rest of my life I can never wear heals higher than 1 inch without falling over, thanks to the lack of a cerebellum.
#6 Feeling sexy. Maybe.
#7 A rocking sex life. No comment.
#8 Feeling strong and independent. This is like #5. You are not getting any sympathy here. For 9 months you don't feel as strong or independent? Ha. Try the rest of your life. Although when people say "you can't carry that box of cereal. Your pregnant!" that does get kind of old.
#9 Being included. ok...
#10 Your pre-pregnancy body. I will agree with this one. When you just can't find clothes that fit, that can be kind of depressing.
#11 Emotional control. OK wow! Another thing no one should whine about for only 9 months. Try a life time.
#12 Caffeinating like you used to. Funny because I have yet to actually be affected by any amount of caffeine in any way. The other night I was drinking a little Mountain Dew, not really concerned about it because, I figure if it doesn't affect me, baby won't feel it either, and of course Eddie told me I was poisoning our baby. Opps?

Oh the life of the Brain Injured...

2010-08-31T15:45:00.000-07:00

So it would appear that I am pregnant. Being pregnant and having had a head injury really is an interesting combination. It only gets more complicated because of my desire to be seen as capable and "just fine." I guess it depends on the situation... some times I want people to feel bad for me! But usually I want people to realize I can do everything x100. Apparently lots of people asked my Mom (behind my back) if I can even have kids. All those people who wondered if I can even have children, well they don't deserve to know and I don't even want them in my babies (boy!) life. I really feel like its a knock on my intelligence when people ask about if I can have kids. I feel like before I really learned brain injuries, thats all I could have thought. Your brain gets hurt, and that affects only your intelligence, right? And all those people out there who want to tell me that that is not what people are thinking and that I shouldn't be offended, then you get kicked in the head by a horse and then get knocked up and then you can tell me how to feel about it.

Also, this baby was "unplanned." Not that my husband and I aren't so very thrilled in every way. My mom, who told anyone who wanted to know that all 3 of her children (including me) was unplanned, told me that I shouldn't tell people it was unexpected. As if maybe I should be offended that I was an unplanned child? This all goes back to the not feeling bad for me thing. I was not moping around for my 4 married years counting the days and paying for fertility treatments, like I don't want people to think. I want people to know that I am totally getting everything I want out of life. People (who already wonder if I can have children) don't need to be thinking "oh, that poor girl, for 4 years she was trying to have a baby but couldn't all because some horse kicked her in the head." So this is me telling you that I really scored as far as getting pregnant goes, no pun intended but it is pretty funny. There was really no effort at all. So I guess I'm saying that I shouldn't feel bad for anyone out there who's having a tough time getting pregnant? maybe that horse really did affect my ability to be logical?

Ok, now that I've vented about that. Yay! I'm having a baby! And I am completely capable of raising it (the fortune cookie at the Mongolian Grill I got the other day told me I'll be a great parent) , and I'm the luckiest girl in the world I think. As I sit here I get to feel my little buddy squirming in my tummy (he doesn't stop) and I also get to feel a serious ache in my right rib (apparently my insides are getting shoved around and its putting pressure on my ribs). I also get to have some pretty constant killer pain in my hips. But for a little 1/2 Eddie, 1/2 Bree, I don't mind.

5 years!

2010-07-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

Today's my 5 year injury anniversary. Its interesting as I get farther away from my injury, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Its sad because "I got kicked in the head by a horse" really isn't an excuse for anything anymore. The problem is that it doesn't matter if it has been 5 weeks or 5 years... not all that much has changed as far as my mental processes go. No offense, but I'm still probably unable to listen to you. And if I did, I probably can't remember it anyway. If I tell someone I was in a coma, immediately I am asked "when?" When I say 5 years ago, people just assume that you're healed by now. They assume "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (which I believe applies in some ways in this situation), and that I'm totally fine. Yeah, totally, as long you count a complete inability to remember what that person I just met for the 15th time looks like as "fine". Because, trust me, I want to, and I try to remember that person. But, hey, I'm still here and I'm doing better than ever, 5 years later. Thats got to count for something!

BYU video...

2010-06-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't seen this, here is the video that BYU put out.

and the article is here

Current Thought...

2010-05-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

Here is just a thought. When I was kicked in the head by a horse, I really thought I was the first one. I thought it was something that never happened. However, since I was kicked, it seems that about once a month I hear about someone else who was also kicked in the head by a horse. I was one of those people who really trusted horses. I also thought that heads are pretty high for a horses foot to get to. Its the most random injury and I didn't think multiple people had to suffer from the same dang thing...

True Life

2010-05-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

MTV did a True Life on TBI. I'm happy to be hearing more discussion of the brain injury. I didn't even know what a brain injury was or that it existed until after my injury. You can link to it HERE.

They should have included me as one of the people they researched, for a couple reasons.
A. I just want to be on TV.
B. They really should have introduced the viewer to a person who is more "normal" so the audience realizes that anyone could have a TBI, and lots of times you don't even know that something is wrong. So just because someone has had a brain injury, it doesn't mean everyone can tell at first glance.

But either way, I'm glad they did a True Life: I Have a Traumatic Brain Injury.

Career path...

2010-04-30T16:38:00.001-07:00

Halleluiah for my college education! I told my parents the kind of job I would be happy with and they said “are you kidding me? You put all that time, energy, and money into it for that?” Yes. I did.

What sort of job would I be pleased with? Stocking shelves at Gap. Selling cupcakes. Unlocking doors for locked out college co-eds at 3 in the morning. What kind of job do I have? I HAVE NO JOB! Thanks, expensive monthly car break downs and darling sun dresses, for reminding me of that.

I think its time for a confession, in case you didn't put 2 and 2 together. I volunteered somewhere for 9 MONTHS (Heritage), loved every minute of it, and then got turned down for a job. Do they really think that I wasn't expecting anything in return for giving my time? The worst part is that when they hired someone else I was told “Sorry, we decided to go in a different direction, but you should apply for other positions that open. Maybe we'll hire you.” I'm sorry, I don't live my life on maybes. Maybe a horse will kicked me in the head. Clearly I didn't think that one through. Also, they acted like they were really considering hiring me, like they hadn't already made a decision. HELLO, they already knew me. Also, when I asked “what can I do differently,” they really didn't give me any direction, and OBVIOUSLY I could do stuff different if they'd hire someone else. I would so much rather make some adjustments than not be helping to my fullest capability...sorry...this whole situation kind of killed me...I really wanted a job there...HELLO!!!!! A person who had to have some TBI is going to be a little fragile about their ability to work and I KNOW I CAN DO A GOOD JOB!

So, point of the story is: I NEED A JOB. Not something that requires me to talk on the phone too much (the phone makes it harder to understand me). I'm in the Provo area, and I plan to stay here for a couple more years. If you know of a job, PLEASE tell me about it. I really do want to work. I'm not very good at sitting around at home. Please, I feel so desperate...Then we've got my husband saying “don't sound so desperate.” Easy for you to say, Mr. Got-A-Good-Job-Right-Out-of-College-and-Didn't-Have-to-Deal-With-A-Recession.

More Graduation Pictures-- thanks Jamie!!

2010-04-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

Here are some more grad pictures! I am so proud of myself. I guess you could say I am prideful!

This is my brother Bret and I.

And Eddie and I

And its only right to celebrate graduation with your cousins, right?

Some Things Are Meant To Be Finished

2010-04-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Your college education is meant to be finished, and thats what I did! I am very proud of myself and I know so many other people are too. I am so happy. I was just completely wired about the whole thing. I couldn't really sleep, I would just wake up very early and think about how I am DONE!
Here are a couple temporary pictures. I really don't have many, right now, so here are a few. I'm getting more pictures from other people who took some. But for now, this will have to do.

what's been up

2010-04-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

Hi! I think lots of you guys are probably confused as to whats going on, so I want to fill you in a little. I know that most of you guys are from having read the BYU article, and I would like to provide links to my first posts that tell about my early memories from my injury:

#1 August 2005
#2, August 2005
#3 August 2005
#4 August 2005
#5 August 2005
#6 August 2005
#7 August 2005
#8 August 2005
#9 August 2005
#10 September 2005
#11 September 2005
#12 September 2005
#13 October 2005
#14 December 2005
#15 October 2005
#16 January 2006
#17, March 2006
#18 April 2006
#19 April 2006
#20 June 23rd 2006
#21 June 24th 2006
#22 June 24th 2006
#23 June 24th 2006
#24 July 2006
#25 July 2006
#26 July 2006

And here's a link to some of my husgband's videos he made for me. He's real good.More Technological Skills

BYU Alumni!

2010-04-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

The BYU Alumni magazine (spring of 2010 issue) published a nice article about me. If you can get a hold of a copy, check it out! They also put together a video for the internet. Watch that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnoFkhsGMek

Having this whole thing made was interesting. I felt like its been almost 5 years since the accident, and I should move on and stop thinking about whats happened in the past. Thats why I stopped writing on this blog for a while, but I'm feeling that I'm going to keep writing. Thats sort of the point. Brain injuries don't heal. I'm not going to wake up one day and suddenly remember what I have to do that day without looking at my BlackBerry. It keeps going forever, a brain injured person's troubles don't stop after 5 years. I really wish they did.

letters

2009-09-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

My darling husband, then fiance, Eddie, wrote me a letter every day when I was in my coma. Then, he gave them to me the next christmas, that was about 5 months after I woke up. I read them then, of course, but then when we got married and I moved I put them in a box and packed them up. I have some real memory problems. I wasn't sure where they went, but I figured they were in this certain box at my parent's house that was too high for me to reach. I just figured it was there so I didn't worry too much about it. Then, a couple weeks ago my dad and I got it down and to my extreme disappointment I realized it wasn't there. I really didn't know what I was going to do. Eddie didn't even think it was that big of a deal and that I was over reacting. I'LL SHOW YOU OVER-REACTING!!!! But then the other day my dad found 3 more boxes, one of which contained my letters. YAY!! I was so happy about that! They are really wonderful. I thought about typing one out and sharing it with you guys, but then I read one and decided I think its just a little too personal. And I don't think he'd like his words tossed around on the inter web. I haven't read them for over 3 years and I forgot how beautiful they are (due to the above mentioned memory problem). He just says who visited and what the nurses did with me and stuff. And stuck in there there are some more personal things. About how much he loves me. :) They just make me cry and cry and somehow its really enjoyable, all that crying.

my busy life

2009-09-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

Ahhh sorry I'm such a mess of a poster!! I feel like its been forever and I am sorry.

Things have been a little more busy. School started up on the 31st of August. Even though I don't take too many classes its still a super busy week. I have some crazy things at work and then I sign up for lots of classes and go to all of them and decide which ones I want to take. Pretty much the class thats the easiest....And I have to get all sorts of stuff sorted out with Voc. Rehab. Not to mention we went to D.C. to visit my husband's parents and we came home to find out my once wonderful car's transmission is crapping out. And I need to get a new transmission or a new car. Also, OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF! K totally kidding. We don't have any pets.

I'm really excited though, despite all the craziness. This semester I'm taking my capstone class to finish off my BYU psych major. Last psych class and then I have to finish 11 more credits of whatever electives to appease BYU!! So close! For my capstone I'm doing an internship here in Provo at a residential treatment center for adolescents. They have a equine center, so I'm working with the horses for 11 hours a week. Well, the horses and the kids. I love horses and I love helping troubled teens so it couldn't be better. I really hope to work here one day. It really is all I want! So I'm really happy going there and its going to be a great semester. The book I'm reading for my internship class, "The Successful Internship" by H. Frederick Sweitzer, says that there are 5 stages to an internship-- Anticipation, disillusionment, confrontation, competence, and culmination. I hope I'm not in that "disillusionment" phase and I'll be let down soon. I really like it.

words.

2009-08-30T17:52:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about language. My husband had a friend come into town who's from Japan. I was talking to him and I reminded myself "just because he's not fluent in English doesn't mean he's stupid." I realize we often talk to people who are either
1. Not fluent in the current spoken language, or
2. Hard of hearing
as if they are stupid. Or sometimes we just think of them that way. Like if you have to talk slow to a foreigner automatically you percieve that person as slow.
So, bringing this full circle, sometimes the brain injured are just speaking another language, even if...say...you're like me and you don't talk normal. YOU, brain injured people, have you ever just forgotten a simple word but you know what you're talking about but it makes you look like your unintelligent?
My husband's friend was talking to some people in Japanese and I realized I was understanding about as much as I was picking up when I went to Sprinkler World yesterday....what I'm trying to say is that I got NOTHING from it. And its not that I'm stupid because I can't understand Japanese-- if more people could it would be the universal language-- and thats the same with sprinkler talk. I just don't know. No ones taught me about it in the language I speak. If I lose a word, maybe I just don't speak the same english as you. Right?

The Old Lady Hip

2009-08-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have the hip of an old lady. About 2 times a week my hip will absolutely kill. And it rotates, both hips. This has been going on since I was about 10. Then it was about once a month. So I went to the orthopedic doctor, and about 6 x rays, an MRI, and over $1000 latter we find not too much out. Apparently, I have just pretty bad hips and probably partially because of my accident they're worse than most people my age and worse than they'd like to see, but not bad enough that I'll be having surgery or anything. Which is kind of a bummer cuz I'd like to not limp around every so often. And at the Dr they ask you to rate you're pain on a scale of 1-10, and you think its pretty bad, but what about the people who break their femur? Or have to cut their own arm off because it gets trapped under a rock when you're hiking. And nothings broken, but HELLO, you're limping and this goes on week after week. You know when one area hurts but it makes your whole appendage ache? My hip will hurt so much that my whole dang leg will ache sometimes. I just take Advil, and that helps, so I think I'll just keep that up for a few more years and then go back to the Dr. so they can say "Oh, well, if you have caught this a couple years ago, it would be real cheap and real easy to fix, but you didn't, so you need your entire hip replaced." Then I'll make this Dr. pay for the surgery and be my nurse for a while. Actually, if you can't tell I love to exaggerate. She's having me to physical therapy to see what that does.

movement

2009-08-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my tendency to get dizzy when I move my head, and about how the answer I got in regards to curring this problem was simple. "Make yourself dizzy lots until you can move without getting dizzy." I think its important to go to the doctor and then that real doctor can tell you if you just need to move your head more, but if you're a 20 year old girl who gets kicked in the head by a horse and are in a coma for a month and have a little cerebellum taken out and you get dizzy when you roll over in bed, you just need to roll over in bed more, even if its not fun. And certainly its not. 3 times a day I dread my exercises but I do it because I'm not sure if I can live my life without laying on my back or looking up.

I am a REALLY hard worker, right? I mean, 3 times a day I move my head back and forth and up and down 40 times.

movies

2009-07-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

I always have had this thought whenever I watch movies: "Am I healing more so I notice more things or did I just forget from the last time I saw it." I would think the same kind of thing when I was younger: "Am I just getting older so I'm smarter or did I just forget from when I saw it a couple years ago?" Take for example Nacho Libre. I just watched it yesterday and I thought "I don't know if I knew that the kids Nacho was a cook for where orphans. Did I notice this before or did I just forget it, because before I watched it a second time I had no idea." Oh the questions that arise when you were in a coma.

inappropriate things

2009-07-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

Its seems that since my brain injury I say many more inappropriate things. All sorts of things just come out of my mouth. This one time I told people something that happened with my husband involving that "special time." I won't repeat it now because my husband told me it was kind of inappropriate. Its always completely honest, these things I say. I've always been of the mindset that people never say "something they don't mean." You ALWAYS mean it, you just don't mean to say it. Like if I were to tell a certain teacher that they are stupid, obviously I think they're stupid, but if I wanted to use tact and get a good grade I wouldn't say it. At least when you're talking to me you know you'll get the honest truth, I just can't guarantee you'll like it.

Driving in Circles

2009-07-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

I want to share a little story. I tell you this because I feel like if I do something stupid, and then tell people about it, I'm somehow less pathetic. I left the house about an hour before work so I could run to the mall and make a return. I needed to bring my receipt with me so I took note to grab that before I left.

I left, and got about 5 minutes away before I realized "OH! I forgot my receipt!" Big deal, I was only 5 minutes away. I could go home and get my receipt. Plus, I have enough time if I don't lolly gag. And really, its fine if I go home because I forgot to grab my DVDs so I can watch one at work (thats what I'll be doing today: blogging and watching a movie). So I went home. I even grabbed my DVDs and everything. Then I drove back to the mall. As I was pulling up I realized I FORGOT THE RECEIPT AGAIN!!!! So I went home and grabbed it and by then I didn't have time to go to the mall.

Now, the pin on my gas gage is noticeably lower. And I still have that damn Banana Republic shirt that I realized I don't even like anyway. What has my life come to?! I just like to get in my car and drive in circles aimlessly, and then I like to go to work so I can pay for that unnecessary gas. And drive to Zions Bank and leave my so necessary blackberry there, like I did yesterday. So I have the opportunity to FREAK OUT until my husband comes home from work and has picked it up for me because luckily I remembered to put a sticker on it that says to call him if found.

Can Brains Be Saved?

2009-07-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

Lee Woodruff wrote an article published in the 7/12/2009 Daily Herald titled "Can Brains Be Saved?" In January of 2006, Lee's husband, Bob, was injured by a roadside bomb while he was covering the war in Iraq for ABC news. Shrapnel was embedded in his face, neck, back, and his skull was shattered. Doctors didn't think he would be able to walk or regain his mental function. His healing would be confined to the first two years, which was more than I was told. I was told my healing would stop after about a year of my injury. Bob then spent 36 days in a coma. He then devoted himself to his recovery and rehabilitation, and he is now back on air as a journalist for ABC News.

Scientist now believe that the brain can heal for much longer than originally expected. Bob's speech continues to get more fluid every day, even though its been 3 1/2 years since the bomb. People who I don't see on a daily basis will often comment on my improvement, saying that my balance and movement is getting better or that my speech is improving. I sure hope the healing process isn't done after 4 years because I still have a rough voice and I get dizzy when I look up! or lay flat on my back.

Mrs. Woodruff says that they're doing more "person-centered therapy" to help individuals recover. They use the individual's goals, strengths, hobbies, interests, and occupation in therapy. When I think back to my initial therapy, I don't remember anything "person-centered" except my physical therapist took me to ride a horse about a month and a half after my injury. Personally, I felt like that was more a reward for the hell I had been through and because my parents had given that hospital an arm and a leg and they deserved some special things. Something more special than a living daughter! Cognitive therapy is used to help patients relearn their abilities or develop strategies to make up for their losses. Thats what I was trying to do by putting the dish right next to the door so I would remember to take it on my way out. I learned that strategy doesn't work! When Bob is having a hard time remembering a word, he goes through the alphabet to see if a certain letter will trigger the word, and I'm going to try that one. This article also mentions the use of blackberries (or any cell phone) to help with keeping track of the time and compensate for the loss of organizational skills and that really has helped me the most. I programed it into my phone to remind me to get those papers for church that I had been stepping over for a month. That worked!! That blackberry does everything for me.

It talks about maybe counting to 10 when you're feeling overwhelmed. I should try that. I've always kind of been a stress case and now things are just worse.

The Forgetting Thing is Hard

2009-07-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

From now on I'll just be letting you know about the big things I forget, the blogworthy things. You guys know that I forget all sorts of mundane things. I'll let you use your imagination with all of those things-- Maybe Bree forgot to pick up some Capicolla until she was in the middle of dinner or maybe she left her coupon in her back pocket when she was buying that one item and didn't get her $1 off?

But I am going to tell you this thought I had: I should have done gymnastics. If I had developed great balance and some coordination, I think I would have gotten it back faster. I think I would have been pretty frustrated after my injury, and I don't think I'd ever return to my previous gymnastics "form," but I think I could get it back a little. The other day Eddie helped with a gymnastics photo shoot and I went with him (it was all day on a Saturday! I wanted to see my husband a little!). That's what got me thinking about this. I tried to walk along one of the balance beams that was close to the ground so I wouldn't get hurt. I fell I think 3 times. Its pretty bad. Plus, I really wish I was flexible. I'm just not naturally flexible. I think if I worked at it when I was young I would be marginally flexible.

Hers a picture of it that the photographer/ my friend, Jessica Peterson took. Shes good, huh? I love her work.

07/13/2009 and Balance

2009-07-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

Here is the big thing I forgot yesterday. My friend loaned me a dish for a baby shower about a month ago. Ever since its been sitting on my dinning table. We went to her house for her husbands b-day last night and she texted me a couple hours before and asked if I could bring the dish. So I thought to myself "ok, great, as if having it on my table for a month isn't a reminder enough" in complete honesty, no sarcasm, because I knew that I wouldn't have remembered. So I took the dish and put it on the floor in front of the door so I would be reminded to grab it when I was leaving. Guess who stepped over it and left empty handed? I was almost 10 minutes away when I realized and turned around to grab it. I can not believe I did that. Actually, I can, I do that all the time. There's a paper on the ground in my bedroom that I need to take to church. Its been there for about a month and a half. That method is obviously not affective.

On another note, I went to the Intermountain Hearing and Balance Center in SLC this morning. It was really good to go. My therapist/Dr. lady was just wonderful. She did all these motor/balance test things, some of which she did about 3 years ago when I last went, to see how I'm doing. She said I did EXCELLENT for the injury I've had, but I was want to be EXCELLENT. But thats good that I've had improvement. She wants to continue seeing me because she sees some areas that could certainly be worked on. It was a good appointment but it definitely wasn't fun. She knew all the ways to make me dizzy, or lose my balance. She did this thing where I had to lay back really fast so I was past laying horizontal with my eyes covered. I really thought I was going to vom. It was not fun. So yeah, maybe we'll be doing that for the next couple of months.

17/12/2009

2009-07-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

Lets see...yesterday...what did I forget? I forgot to see if I got an email before it was too late. I forgot to eat enough breakfast. Actually, thats not as much of a memory problem as it is a gauging problem. I always either under or over estimate how much I can eat. Granted, my eating patterns changed a bit after getting hurt, but after 4 years you'd think I'd get it. Speaking of food, it totally slipped my mind to decide what to make for dinner. I didn't realize this until I got hungry, and then I wondered "what the heck are we going to eat??" and we just cooked up some hot dogs that thankfully my husband had defrosted. What would I do without a husband who looks out for me.

Tomorrow morning I have an appo. with my balance Dr., who I haven't seen for over 3 years. I just want to go back and see how I'm doing. We decided to take a therapy break while I got married and she said to come back in a couple months and it just never happened. She was a good Dr., I'm excited. Wish me luck with my balance!!

7/11/09

2009-07-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

Heres the big thing I forgot today...and this is a common problem. A HUGE problem. It causes all sorts of trouble.

I forgot what my husbands friend looks like. I walked in to Cafe Rio (his friend was in from out of town...we were meeting for lunch at Rio...I went earlier than Eddie and I was supposed to find him) and I didn't think anyone was familiar. I have the biggest problem with facial recognition. It was bad enough before I got hurt but now its absolutely horrible. It can be so embarrassing. I have the most impossible time remembering people. I try SO hard. I have my ward directory (at church) in flash card form so I can try to remember people, but if they wear their hair different or change their outfit I get so confused. Anyone have tips for this? Its a real problem. And I hug everyone because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, and I think people will be less offended if I'm too friendly than not friendly enough or, like usual, not even know them at all.

7/10/09

2009-07-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

First off, I forgot to post any of the things I forgot yesterday night, but I forgot if I forgot anything. But here is today. I put it all on a list in my blackberry or else there's just no way. That reminds me, The things I remember are all false memories, because I just make lists. All I really remember is to put them on the list and to check the list. Thats why I'm so stuck on making lists and following the exact direction and order of everything. Yes, husband, that is why we must put everything away where it belongs!

So before I left to run errands this morning I was thinking "I'll probably remember everything because I'm thinking so much about forgetting. There's just no way I'll forget the bags here like usual." Then, when I was backing out of the garage I remembered I needed to get my bags and I had to re-park my car, unlock the house door, and go get my bags (heaven forbid I don't re-use my plastic grocery sacks and I just throw them away and kill the whales and cause global warming).

OH! Speaking of the garage, when my husband was leaving for work this morning I told him that I'd close the garage door behind him (we only have one working garage remote-- lets talk about how rough my life is, ha). Well, I forgot to. I didn't close the garage until I got my butt up and left my house around 1 to grocery shop-- again, again lets talk about my horrible life...

I keep forgetting to look into my medical insurance to see if a certain Dr. is covered. Maybe I'll do that now that I'm talking about it.

I left the house and then I realized I forgot to give myself a little perfume spray. I'm not even sure why I bought that. I always forget it.

I forgot to stop by Wilson Diamonds to have my ring checked out until it was out of my way.

I forgot to look up the free redbox codes and I didn't want to pay the $1 so I'm gonna have to go back now...

...

2009-07-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

My husband told me to keep writing, and I think he gave me a good idea. He said to blog about little things too, like stuff I forget. I've always been a literal person. I believe having had an injury makes me take things even more literally, so I've taken it as "I need to blog about everything I forget everyday." Here is what I'm going to do: Maybe for about a week I'm going to post everything I forget so that you know more what its like.
Retroactively, I'm gonna tell you what I forgot yesterday.
1. My card holder thingy. Actually, I think anyone could have done this. My card holder (including my drivers license, credit cards, etc...) fell out of my purse at a wedding reception last night and I just drove to work sans license. SHHH! Dont. Tell. Anyone! My husband is getting it from his old boss today at work (his daughter got married...I forget why we went...) and he called last night to tell us he found it. At that point we didn't even know it was missing. So yeah, I don't have my BYU ID or anything. What if I get hungry at work and I want to buy something from the vending machines and I don't have enough change and I want to charge it to my ID?
2. I forgot to call my Grandma to find out about the itinerary for the family reunion in CA at thanksgiving so we could buy airplane tickets through a sale that ended at Midnight. However, I didn't remember I needed to do this until it was about 11 in CA. Around 11:15 I realized I didn't need to know anyways, so it was fine.
3. I forgot to buy car soap at Target.
4. There was another one but I forgot what it was! Thats going to be a problem; If I forget something, I might forget to tell you. Or I'll remember I forgot something, but I won't be able to remember what it was.

And for today so far (its only 12:30)
- I forgot to bring my make up bag to work. That is HOW HARD I have to work. I blog, I eat, I do my make up, I online shop...
- I forgot to go to a gym class this morning.
- I forgot to eat before I had orange juice. I always regret drinking orange juice on an empty stomach. I'll never learn...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

2009-07-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Its been 4 years since I was kicked. My husband gave me a hug this morning and said "happy whatever you want to call it." You know why I call it my birthday? Because on that day a huge part of me died, and a whole different person woke up from that coma. I would celebrate the day I woke up, but waking up for me was so abstract. Maybe I was medically diagnosed as "out of the coma" one day, but I wasn't aware of my surrounding until another day and I didn't talk or walk until another day.

4 years huh? Maybe its time to stop dwelling on the past and stop blogging about it. But you guys want to know what happens to this poor brain injured girl don't you? I realize I live a really dramatic, very interesting life. ha.

hospital days...

2009-06-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

I have two main thoughts when I think back to my stint in the hospital and they are as follows:

1. When I woke up everyone was talking about some "katrina" thing. The Katrina disaster happened while I was sleeping (in that comatose state) and I heard about it after the fact. It really got me thinking that while I was having my own crisis, everyone else was having their own. Thinking about that made me feel not so bad about my own situation.
2. Those were pretty good days. HELLO....I had a maid service and cooks. Yeah, the decor wasn't really up to par and the food definitely wasn't good, but if someone else will do it all for me, than I'll take it. Therapy wasn't completely miserable. Yeah, you feel stupid when they ask you to stack cups, but thats not hard. So it was never physically difficult. Well, at the time, I'm sure I wouldn't agree with that. Those stupid therapist made me throw up and stuff a couple times. But not like throw-up-because-you-work-out-so-hard but because I was whacked with lots of force. I'm not saying I'd get kicked in the head again, but just that I'd take that kind of break again. Being in a coma forces you to take a break. Well, obviously, for a month my schedule didn't even involve getting up to go to the bathroom, but for the month following I didn't cook, clean, pay bills, do homework, plan a wedding...certainly didn't GET MARRIED...fold clothes, or even go through the showering motions alone. Luckily, no one expects a just-out-of-a-coma-person to do those things.

So thats why it wasn't all bad. Just mostly horrible.

Horses

2009-06-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

I've never been afraid of horses- not for one second. The week after I left the hospital I was on a horse. I think I always separated the events in my mind-- growing up and loving horses was separate from getting kicked. I always used horses as a comfort to help me when something rough happened, so why should it be any different just because one dumb horse caused the problem?
For about the last month I've been doing volunteer work (because I'm THAT good of a person) at Courage Reins in Highland, Ut. The goal at Courage Reins is “to improve the quality of life for people with disabilities, by providing a safe, fun and challenging environment where physical, cognitive, social, and emotional growth could occur through therapeutic riding and other equine based activities.” I help with whatever they need at the time. If I'm lucky, I help make sure a kid is safe in a riding lesson. I lead the horse or walk to the side of the kid. The best part about doing this is it makes ME feel really good about MYSELF. For oh so many reasons. First, the whole altruism debate: do people really do good things to help or because it makes them feel good? I think because if makes them feel good. Also, it puts my disability in perspective. In relation, my disability is nothing. Also, I swear I'm a lot more capable than lots of the non-disabled volunteers.
It can be hard, emotionally and physically, because a lot of the stuff I do I always would hire someone else to do for my horses. Or I would at least get paid good money for it. I was probably 10 the last time I was asked to pick up poop without getting paid the big bucks before this work. But I'll do it, because I believe in this program. I think every little boy thinks it would be great to be a cowboy and every little girl should have a mane to cry into. And trust me, things aren't easy for these kids. If I was in their situation I sure hope someone would pick up poop for me.
Moral of the story is, Courage Reins is great! If you know a kid in Utah with a disability, make sure they go. Or if you're not in Utah, find another place to go! Its great.

Music Therapy

2009-06-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

Another interesting article! CNNhealth.com calls music "a 'mega-vitamin' for the brain." It talks about the advantages to singing for sufferers of various neurological disorders. Singing, and music in general, can improve motor function, communication and even cognition. "When neural pathways are damaged for one particular function such as language, musical neural pathways are actually much more complex and much more widespread within the brain," Doctor Wendy Magee of the International Fellow in Music Therapy at London's Institute of Neuropalliative Rehabilitation told CNN. I've heard other brain injury survivors saying that he can sing normally but has a difficult time with speech post injury. Maybe I could test this theory if I could actually sing. Never have been able to, never will. But music is supposed to help find other pathways within the brain. According to this article, "researchers in Finland have demonstrated that listening to music for several hours a day can enhance the rehabilitation of stroke patients." Also, "stroke patients who were taught to play the piano or drums made speedier progress in their general recovery than patients who received only traditional therapy." I wonder if it depends at all on the type of music one listens to or plays. I have a hard time believing my pop music helps anyone.

This is pretty interesting to me. For the last couple years I've planned to get each of my children to learn at least one type of musical instrument. Its their choice. Which I really don't think will be a problem; my husband is very musically talented. We have all sorts of musical things laying around. But if they come out like me, we're going to have real problems. I'm pretty sure I'm the most musically un-talented person ever. My mom let me quit piano lessons when I was a kid because, well, there just wasn't anything pleasant coming from it. My sister, on the other hand, she's good. I think music makes you smarter.

Hair ADD

2009-06-07T21:36:00.000-07:00

I felt like it was about time for a little more change. I realize and accept that my hair doesn't grow, so its not really an option for me to grow my hair longer. Therefore, a change of color was really all I could do. One day I'll shave my hair clean off, but until then...So I decided it was time to go blond. I was pretty blond when I was a kid and while living in CA because I was outside in the sun every day. Sometimes people think I dye my hair dark. Not true. Well I have done it a couple times, but it fades out eventually.

I felt like this was a big deal. Its interesting how you think that you're life is so much more important to other people than it really is. Maybe thats just me. I spent about a half hour with my Dad before I finally asked "do you see anything DIFFERENT?!" And he said "you just dyed your hair back to how it was."

I think next time its going to be all bleached. I'm all about the dramatic changes. I figured Im not getting any younger and I want to do stuff with my hair. Soon enough it will be a fux paux. However, I feel like at the same time it makes me look older. Like 1/2 my friends moms from growing up. Thats kind of weird.

Art

2009-06-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

This is an interesting story. This man, Alan Brown, was a person with average artistic abilities when he suffered an aneurysm. He had a pretty intense surgery lasting 16 hours and involving 15 surgeons. Anyways, afterwards when he was recovering in the hospital, a nurse noticed he looked bored and gave him a pencil and paper. All the sudden, he had these abilities. He could totally draw! This is not to say that all people with any form of injury to the brain can draw. I know I can't. Luckily I've never had any form of artistic skills, so its not like I can miss them, but I bet they would have gotten worse. Even my stick figures have always been atrocious but now they're pretty much unrecognizable. My husband is convinced that my Sudoku skills were directly affected by my injury, and thats why I'm just so dang good at it. Its good to hear about positives resulting from injury, because there really isn't anything more annoying to me than when people act like and saying that now that they've been injured everything is messed up. That and j-walkers around BYU campus who don't even look before crossing the street really annoy me too.

Life Insurance

2009-05-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

Here's the issue. USAA (a company who has always been wonderful and also deals with all things financial for members of the armed forces), my Grandpa was in the military so thats why I get to use them, said they couldn't insure my life because of my injury!! There are a number of issues here:

* Yeah, I was hurt but what's done is done. Besides getting lots Canker Sores (something doctors really couldn't care less about), I haven't had any detrimental affects. No seizures even, nothing.

* Maybe a blow to the head that would give you a headache would kill me, but trust me, I'm fully aware of that. And I really don't want to do this again, so I am so much more carefully with my head these days. It sort of evens the playing field as far as likelihood of having a head injury, or any form of injury, for that matter. Its worse for me, but I don't want it more.

* Just think of all the brain injuries in the military and stuff, so you'd think they'd get it. They really can't use ignorance as an excuse...

* I really don't feel like I need life insurance. Its much more important in life that my husband does. He's the financially capable bread winner. I recommend not telling me I can't do anything because I WILL! But in this case, I will take my business elsewhere. I'm really considering closing my bank account with them and getting all insurance elsewhere (homeowners and auto).

Well those are my current thoughts. Does anyone know anything about life insurance for the brain injured? Actually, I'm not really sure its very important for me to have. But I just want USAA to SUCK IT. I really am so angry with them these days... I used to think they were the BEST bank ever, and maybe thats why its easy to be so disappointed in them.

The 5K and I

2009-05-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

The Brain Injury Association of Utah put on a run, walk, roll and I decided to help however I could through walking. I'm not much of a runner, and I can't really blame that on the accident. The accident just gave me a greater excuse. And, plus, I don't have the coordination to run sans cerebellum. Anyways, we left Provo at 6:45 to be at alt Lake by 8. My old speech therapist, Rachel, drove me up there (we all know I can't drive on the freeway!).

Here I am, sans (sans is the word of the day) makeup, with Rachel, who's wonderful, and Kim on the right. She had an injury and she ran this and she just finished (or is about to) running a marathon. Thats a positive to having a brain injury, or any disability for that matter. People think whatever you do is greater than it is for a non-injured person. I know I really like it when people tell me I'm great, so it works out.

Here I am walking with Rachel and Carol Moody, she's the person who pretty much runs the speech clinic at BYU. She also got these pictures to me!

I WON!!

The Hospital

2009-05-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

First, a couple small things. 1. This is post #100!! That makes me feel good. 2. I walked in the Brain Injury Association of Utah 5K. Yes, I am THAT athletic!! I have to get pictures from some one else, but when I do I'll post about it.

Here's the main thing on my mind. I just had to go to the hospital to get a signature from my Dr., which I have gone back to that hospital a million times. But, I don't know, its been a while since I went back, and its hot outside today, just like it was when I was in that hospital for rehab. For some reason it got to me a little more than usual. There was one therapist I saw who I don't know why but I remembered that guy. I can't remember working with him, but maybe I did, at some point. I remember my main therapists when I left, but maybe he helped me when I was first there. It was awkward, I didn't know what to say. He was talking to me so I stopped to talk but there was just small talk. Story of my life because I can't remember anyone.

Then, I was walking down the hall and I saw this Hispanic woman, and we just stared at each other, because, again, I knew her. Her, if I saw her on the street, out of context, I would think "hey, that woman's from the hospital." The therapist, I wouldn't. Anyway, this woman was with another nurse I didn't recognize and the one I knew said to the other "This girl won't remember us, but I do! How are you doing?" I just smiled and said I was fine.

Its just weird- this whole part of my life I don't remember. I went out to my car when I was done and just cried. Notice the pattern- this happens a lot. I wasn't sad. I wasn't happy. It just felt like something huge had happened there.

More Plasticity Things

2009-05-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

Here is what Mind Sparke says about its brain training program:

Brain Fitness Pro uses the most sophisticated and effective brain training protocol available. This no nonsense, challenging, and somewhat addictive brain exercise increases short term memory, focus, and problem-solving ability by more than 40% in less than 20 days with thirty minutes of daily training.

Martin Walker contacted me to give me some information about it and so I read up and realized how much just plain sense it makes, so I decided to give it a try to see if it really does work. Its not like I've had an IQ test done recently enough to really know if it helps (there will be one done pretty soon though), but I completely believe its helping. I know that I am a little more competitive than normal, so I have the best time trying to beat my previous days score. Also, I think I have a bit of an "addictive personality." Its a good thing I haven't tried crack; I'd be hooked. I think its better to be addicted to brain game right now. So it remembers your score every day and it makes a graph to show if you're improving. Which is a great thing because I know I wouldn't remember! Also, its pretty hard. Which can be discouraging, but I think things have to be hard or else it wouldn't help. For example, I LOVE SUDOKU. But I get really bored with the easy sudoku. The sudoku I have to do to keep me entertained is SO HARD. Like, for example, you probably couldn't get one number. Look at my assumptions...

Something that I've found interesting is that it tests your auditory vs. visual memory. My visual memory has really been absolutely ruined (especially my memory of faces)! This program really taps in to that and it reminds me of that. So what am I trying to do? Get my visual memory up to speed so that both kinds are at least equal. Currently, I'm working really hard on remembering faces. Like its a HUGE problem; people think I'm mean because I don't remember them. I promise, I'm trying! So I'm hoping this program helps me with all visual memory so that I can remember if I've met someone. Guys, I hug EVERYONE because I don't want to look rude because I don't remember people. Who knows, if my visual memory doesn't improve soon I might just give a big hug to a serial killer.

Plasticity

2009-05-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

I found an interesting video of Michael Merzenich, a neuroscientist, teaching us about neuroplasticity from the TED website (TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design; maybe thats where I find my info, there and wikipeadia). He discusses ways we might make use of that plasticity to heal injured brains. I really appreciate any positive discussion of neuroplasticity because it makes me feel smart.

The video is here.

fMRI

2009-04-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

I got an fMRI (functional MRI.) I also got a vanilla ice storm from Nordstrom's Cafe, but I think the fMRI is more applicable. I was really happy to do this, and lucky for me it was free. I bet if I didn't have this TBI experience I wouldn't think this was so interesting.

Dr. Bigler and some of his students are doing a study were they are looking to see if people with brain injuries use compensatory strategies in their brains when they are having to use their minds. This is how it worked: I spent some time looking at a list of words. Then they did a brain scan while I was trying to remember which words were on the list. I saw a screen where I had to pick between two words to see if I could choose the one I had already seen. Then I had to do some "which is the next item in this pattern" stuff and had to remember some faces. It was all very basic stuff; I think all test should be like this. Were there is no right or wrong with the easy questions, you just need to be working your brain a little.

So I'll find out the results later, but I really appreciate this experience. It is so wonderful to have so much help and support around.

Music

2009-04-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

Its music that usually brings back the most emotions. Yesterday, I was at yoga and a song came on that I would listen to a lot during the year after I got hurt but before I got married. I realized that I was really sad then. That was a bad part of my life. You know how you don't realize how sad you were until after? Actually, maybe you do. Maybe I'm just not "in tune" with myself.

I Just Want To Graduate

2009-04-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

Thats it. Guys- I just want to graduate. To be honest, I'm really not looking to learn anything, but apparently that comes with the territory. So learn I will, if I must.

So I had that teacher that got fired in the middle of the semester, and then I got a new one that I would have dropped for sure, if I was allowed to. But I wasn't, so I stuck it out. This teacher was very nice, but he was new and he had lofty dreams for his students. Look, no ones going to make me a genius. Its just not going to happen. So I just dealt.

I'm super picky about the teachers I have so that I do not need accommodations from the accessibility center, even though I know they will be there to help if I need. And then I was shoved into this situation. Guys, I was just fine before. This new one wanted to do an essay test, and I told him it wouldn't work for me. So--his idea, not mine! I didn't ask for it, or even expect it-- he said I could have a take home final.

Then, the day after the last day of class, I contact him to ask him when I would get my final, and THEN, he decided to inform me that he wouldn't be doing that. WHAT?! I could have done it, I could have gotten a note taker to help me or something. Or used a tape recorder to record lectures, but he was an INDIAN GIVER!

So I left his office in tears and went to the UAC (accessibility center) to see what I could do. I was raging mad. Which is not really a good state for me. But they were WONDERFUL!!! This is a shout out to Sherene Berghoff at the UAC. She was more than great. And Michael Brooks (The UAC Director), also so very wonderful. After talking about some legal mumbo jumbo (apparently it was now more than an accessibility issue-- it was a legal thing) they called the psychology department chair and made a deal for me to take the final at the UAC. It was much better there. So I haven't gotten my grade back but I told him if he gave me a "C" or lower he would be solely responsible for me feeling like crap about myself and never going back to school, so I don't think that will happen.

I told my coworker about this issue when I was in the middle of it and she said "Oh, if you get these accommodations, do we get the same degree?" I told her "Yes, I can't believe you just asked that. That was mean." ...no, its not the same. Mine comes with a handicap placard that gets me free stuff? Just like the closer parking spot?

question

2009-04-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

I really want to know what you guys think of naturalistic medicine. Good/Bad? Please do tell. I really want to know.

This was my life yesterday.

My parents swear by her. So after much convincing, I finally agreed to try this woman out. So she is going a blood test right now and then she hooked me up to this IV and let it drip. Every so often I laughed at myself and the situation. You see the chair I was in? There were about 10 chairs in the room, and about 5 people, just sitting there with an IV in their arm. And when someone needed to go to the bathroom or go get something to eat from the kitchen, we just pushed our IV right along with us.

Then, this IV with vitamins and stuff made me super nauseous. Like really. And it made my mouth taste like crap, I'm serious. I'm a really insensitive person to stuff like this. My mom mentioned how it made her mouth taste gross and I thought it was just her. But oh no...me too.

Soon there after I went to the bathroom. When I came back there was a cup of juice. "Mom, whats this?"
Her: "Its something for you to drink."
Me: "What does it do?"
Her: "I don't know, the Dr. just said to take it."
It didn't take long for me to get outraged "No, just cuz someone I don't know or trust says to do something, I WILL NOT do it. 'member when I almost died because Dr.s weren't doing the right thing (that time being when I was first in the coma)? Not to mention she has made me nauseous and I don't want to eat or drink."
Her: "look, just try it."
So I take a little sip and it tastes like Tampico, but with a little mediciny after taste. I told her "Look, I'll consider drinking it when I'm not so sick."

When I was getting my "consultation," she got really confused and asked "If you got kicked up front, how did it hurt your cerebellum back there?" Really? At this point, just keep your mouth shut.
Later, "Its not your cerebellar issues that's making you have a hard time with emotions. Its your hormones." EXCUSE ME! Hormones?!

Wow...and then, in a complaint moment, I went to Costco today to get my prescription. And without some stuff that the Dr. had to do (verification or something), it was going to cost me over $200. What'd she forget? To go to medical school?

So clearly I'm not feeling too happy about this whole thing. If you think I should be happy about it, let me know, or if you think I'm feeling the right way, let me know too. Please...I'm so confused...In her defense, my canker sores are feeling a good amount better today.

Plans

2009-04-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

So I think I should have a bit of a plan here, which I always want. Plans are so important to me and I just follow my plans and everything works out. But I'm noticing now that plans always seem to get messed up. That's why "every plan is like a little prayer to father time." Someone throws a stick in your bike wheel and everything comes to a screeching halt. And then chaos ensues because now you don't know what to do. Kind of like that one time I had about two years left in school and I was going to get married in 5 weeks and a horse put me in a coma. What do they say? "Plan early...plan twice."

But I want to regress to my life style that was working well before the plan shattering.

Now's a good time to be a student. I'm not even sure that if I graduated I could even get a job, and if I did I might be getting a job before or competing with someone who actually needs it. I don't want to be to greedy. I know sole providers who cant find jobs, and I just don't want to compete with that. I'd prefer that people who need jobs have jobs before I make sure I can afford that weekly manicure. That's what husbands are for...Paying bills. So kidding...I love Eddie lots. But that's what I would be doing...having a job so I could get manicures.

Because I cant predict the market (if I could...well I probably wouldn't be going to school...or blogging for that matter) we have to try to deal with it. I will just keep being a student for a number of reasons:

1. If I'm not a BYU student I wouldn't have my BYU job. Its not allowed.

2. If I'm not going to school what would I do all day? Some people are just not as open to the idea of having a kid...and I'm sure there's other stuff I could do but I can't think of it.

3. BYU has a lot of resources. Might as well take advantage of them.

So that's my plan I guess...kind of no plan. Plan to just slow down my educational process which is almost as slow as it can get already, and paint my kitchen. And organize my two spare rooms (one's an office and the other will be my "wrapping room" because I just really enjoy gift wrapping. Not that I'm good at it.)

A Sad Day for TBI

2009-03-19T23:57:00.000-07:00

My grandma sent me an email last night mentioning a "big story tonight on brain injuries" and how she feels "so blessed to still have [me]." So I thought "WHAT! Big story on brain injuries and I don't even know about it?!" as I am fairly convinced I know everything...
I guess you don't hear much when you just sit in your house painting your kitchen and watching recorded episodes of The Real World (and, naturally, I forward through the commercials) so no news.

But then my know EVERYTHING husband came home and filled me in on pop culture. Liam Neeson's wife, Natasha Richardson, died yesterday. She suffered a TBI on Monday in a skiing accident. She fell but it didn't seem to be very bad. She just kept doing her skiing thing and the about an hour later she started complaining about a headache and went to the hospital.

First off, I want to say that I am so sorry, especially to for husband and two sons, who will miss her more than I could ever know. I tell people that I am so glad it was me who was in the hospital bed and not one of my siblings, parents, or heaven forbid, husband. The strength and pain that her family and loved ones are having to feeling would be too much for me.

Second, has anyone heard of something like this happening before? Maybe not to this extent, but when there is pain, but, "oh, you know, its not too bad. I can deal." And then you find out it really was a big deal. Like the other day I was getting my hair done and my hair stylist ran his hand up the back of my neck (by where my scar is) and all the sudden it hurt so bad! Just for one second. And I didn't say anything because what would I say, "that thing people always do that never hurts hurt really bad. That thing, I'm not sure what it was, hurt, so don't do it again?" I didn't know what it was, but it stopped hurting as fast as it started, so I don't think anything was wrong. But, obviously, Natasha didn't think anything was wrong either. What if something bad happened and suddenly I just keel over and die. I've heard of stuff like this before, like on Oprah they talked about "dry drowning" where about an hour after a kid was in the pool he just died. Scary.

Calling all Adolescents

2009-03-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

For my my Development Psychology class on Adolescents, I need to interview an adolescent who suffered from a TBI. I don't think a person who was a adolescent when they we injured who then went through school works, I think he wants me to find and interview a current adolescent who had a TBI. I need to write a couple page paper on anything adolescent and lucky for me I am a wonderful stretcher. So, hello, the period of adolescence results in lots of TBIs. And lover of all things TBI and needing to write on something adolescent, it just makes perfect sense that I study an adolescent with a TBI to find out about schooling and testing for them.

The point is, I need to find one. So if you are or know a current adolescent (pretty much before graduating high school) who suffered a brain injury, please shoot me an email. I wont make you leave your email address in a comment because I wouldn't want to submit you to the possibility of someone getting your address that you don't want to. So, its kickedinhead@gmail.com
And, of course, I need someone who is comfortable with talking about their injury. I am just a little to OLD to do this.

Listen Up!!!

2009-03-12T04:58:00.000-07:00

It brain injury awareness month. Did you know that? I sure didn't. Today (March 12) is brain injury awareness day on capital hill. It's the 17th in Nebraska. And I'm sure there are others. Anyways, whoever you know with a head injury, think about that person! Really...what I mean is...think about ME. Thank you.

9th Annual University Accessibility Center Awards Banquet

2009-03-04T19:39:00.000-08:00

This years UAC of BYU awards banquet(in other words its the school disability banquet) was something else. I really enjoyed it.

This is Eddie and I and, again, I managed to have a double chin. This has happened before, on a two page spread of the year book. In color. And its not just a double chin, its multiple chins.

I won an award here in 2007 and I have been going to the banquet every year since, and I do like it. First, it means no cooking and no doing dishes as well as free good food. It is also a good time to see other friends (who have disabilities or are great supporters). I think its interesting because last year I had a friend who received an award who I had no idea had any form of disability. And I didn't feel like asking her what her award-winning disability was. And then, AGAIN, this year, a friend of mine won an award and I had no idea she had a disability. So, huh, I think we can learn from this. Here is my recommendation:

Know that everyone else has a story and don't think anyone knows anything about another person (unless YOU are God).

Good, huh? Live by that.

The keynote speaker was a woman named Kristen Cox. She is the Executive Director of Workforce Services in Utah. And let me tell you, she is a smart lady. She talked about how we, as disabled people, can achieve great things in life, but we first need to start by believe in ourselves. I know, it sounds pretty cliche-- BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! But really, it is a big deal when you don't really. And , it doesn't feel shes talking with no experience (there was a double negative). She's blind. And of course, gorgeous.

Anger

2009-02-25T08:52:00.000-08:00

I am just so full of brain injury literature info these days!!

First, Diane, I do agree, sometimes it would be so much easier if people could see you had a brain injury. Yeah, my voice is off, but a lot of people think that I'm sick and lost my voice or something. Gosh, you should see the death looks I've gotten when I park in a handicap spot! That is one kind of good thing about my funny voice; some people will realize something is very wrong.

Also, I have anger problems.

Yup, it's true. I've always been an angery/controlling prone person, but let me tell you...it got a lot worse after my TBI.

But I realize it's a bit of a problem so the responsible person in me is getting it under control. Can we all talk about how responsible I am?!

I'm reading this book called "Anger, the Misunderstood Emotion" by Carol Tavris and she gave me some good info. It seems that "of the boys in prison, 62.3 percent had had severe face or head injuries." And also, nearly all of the violent boys (98.6 percent) had at least one neurological abnormality." Tavris also said that "There is no doubt that some physiologicl conditions- allergies, additives, chemical imbalances, brain disease, or injury- can cause a person to become irrationally enraged or violent, or less dramatically, to become cranky and irritable."

Now why do I love this info? Because she said a brain injury can cause a person to be raged, violent, cranky, or irritable. That makes me so happy. I don't believe really anything can cause you to do ANYTHING, but if other people believe that, well it sure does take the pressure off of you. Also, she says that brain injury can make a person do really violent things. Things that can get you in prison. I'm not violent, at all, neither do I do anything that is physically harmful. Just look at me! Does anyone really think that I have the size or strength to cause physical pain?! No. I'm sure not. Its just that I have the ability (when I'm angry) to say some really mean, hurtful things. When I'm mad, I'll purposefully say things that will hurt people. That's the problem. But I'm not violent, despite the brain injury! We'll just pretend that it is my amazing self control that keeps me from being violent....it makes me feel so much more capable of regulating my emotions.

Class and TBI Markers

2009-02-24T10:58:00.000-08:00

First, I just want to say thank you for the overwhelming feedback that I got to help with my canker sores. Apparently no one thinks they are as big a problem as I do...

Second, remember how I told you that in my adolescent development class, my teacher was really respectful of my injury and how I really appreciated that? Well here's what happened...I got an email from BYU that he had to leave for "personal reasons" and we got a different teacher for the next time we had class. So that is sad because I really liked him, but the good news is that I really like my new teacher. He seems wonderful, although a little more intense, and I'm excited for the semester!

Third, we turned in a paper (assigned by the first teacher but graded by the second...I'm worried cuz the first teacher pretty much told us all we needed to do was turn it in and we'd get a good grade, so we'll see if I put enough thought and energy into it...) and we were to review an article that some how related to adolescence and write up a paper on it. So, the article I reviewed was "Visible markers of brain injury influence attributions for adolescents' behaviour" by John McClure, et. al. The article investigated whether attributes for a brain-injured adolescent’s behavior is affected by markers of an injury. Two studies were done. The first study researched which are the most significant attributes shared by adolescents and brain-injury victims. The four most shared traits were said to be: sleeps a lot, angers quickly, lacks self-confidence and lacking motivation (yup, I lack the self-confidence and I do anger quickly, but sleeps a lot and lacks motivation? Really?). After completion of the first study, the four most significant traits were considered in the second. Two images of the same 14 year old male adolescent was handed out; in one he was wearing a computer generated head bandage and the other he was not. A questionnaire was also handed out to 100 students. The students were asked to rate the two given behavioral explanations for the adolescent’s lack of self-confidence, tendency to anger quickly, lack of motivation, and propensity to sleep a lot. The two possible explanations which were to be rated were (a) due to head injury and (b) due to normal adolescence. About ½ of the subjects answered that the 14 year old male’s behavior could be attributed to brain-injury only when he was wearing a head bandage whereas adolescence was always the preferred explanation over head injury in the no bandage condition.

The problems I found with the study in terms of the external validity was with information provided to the research subjects. Both groups “read the same vignette about Chris” which informed readers that “Chris has suffered from a head injury.” In most cases, observers of a situation are completely unaware that a subject they are viewing suffered from a brain-injury. I never wore a bandage on my head. Seeing pictures of myself a month or so after a coma, I can tell that I was still “out of it.” However, I never had any visible markers of a brain injury by the time I left the hospital.

Here is a picture of me in the coma:

Yup, something is unmistakably wrong. I am a big fat brain injury maker. But still, no head bandage.

And here I was one of the first days they let me leave the hospital (it was for my cousin's wedding)

And he was about a year after my injury:

Can you tell? I'm probably kidding myself when I think that people can't tell by looking at me.

And this was a couple weeks ago:

Again, can we tell? And yes, that is my house, my pride and joy. So much work went in to those walls and stairs, but yes, I built it. And the injuries were minimal; Eddie took one nail to the wrist and that was it. Only a little blood, but lots of sweet and tears.

So, in conclusion, not even 50% can attribute my...lets be honest....often bad behavior to having a head injury because I don't have a marker. Maybe that was what they were trying to prove: that no one knows about brain injuries.

Well, G2G*. Bye bye

*In case you weren't in H.S. in the late 90's, early 2000's, well that means "got to go"

One More

2009-02-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

Scurvy?
I was told that a symptom of scurvy is mouth sores. Maybe they're not canker sores at all but scurvy sores?!

I swear I eat my fruits and veggies! Those veggies probably have more butter on them than most, but I still eat them!!!

They say its a vitamin D deficiency. Hummm? I don't think so.

HELP!

2009-02-20T15:33:00.000-08:00

know that I will keep bugging you about this until I figure it out. And plus, multiple brains are better than one? Especially if that one brain has been all scrambled up. You know the commercials where they say "this is your brain. this is you brain on drugs"? Well they could have a convincing commercial where they say "this is your brain. this is your brain if you get kicked by a horse" and have a picture of my brain, and let me tell you, lots more people would be wearing helmets.

Sorry, off track. Poor attention span....that's a side affect of the horse-head incident.

I've got tons of canker sores. TONS! And there are a couple on my tongue and one under my tongue and one right below my teeth and more normally placed ones. So why is it that they were more under control a couple weeks ago and now they're insane?

Here are my theories. Let me know if you have any of your own or if you support any of mine.

*Eddie has been working funny hours and we stay up late and I have to be at work at 8:30 (I know...early huh????). Maybe I'm not getting enough sleep?

*We just moved into a house that is big for me and I have lots to do, but I get lonely when it's quiet and I Have to put together 4 Ikea dressers. Loneliness driven? I doubt it, seeing as I have had lots of sores when I'm not so lonely.

*I started speech therapy and the extra stain on the mouth areas? I just don't know.

*MY MOM'S IDEA: She thinks there is raydon in their house and the Raydon was killing off my sores (and probably brain cells) while I was living there for a bit from august-december (when my sores tapered off). And now that I've moved into my house we are set to have no raydon.

Thoughts?

Good Things

2009-01-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, in my adolescent development class, some good things happened. My teacher, Tyler Money (who I totally recommend!), started talking about brain injuries, and I sort of tensed up because I hadn't told him about my injury, and I was nervous he would say mean things about it like that one teacher who started talking about brain injuries as she was talking about mental retardation. But, he just was talking about brain injuries in accordance with brain plasticity. I was very grateful he was being positive about it. I would not be emotionally stable enough for him to start talking about mental retardation and brain injuries. Hallelujah for nice people! See, if you do nice things to me, even if its simple, I'll say nice things about you on my blog!

Voice Therapy

2009-01-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

I'm going to voice therapy at BYU this semester so we'll see how this goes. My voice is my most sensitive aspect about my injury (because thats the only way people really know that I have something wrong with me) so its really easy for me to be devastated by this subject. So I'm trusting that they can help. Or maybe I should not expect them to help. and not waste my time going.

Dreams

2009-01-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry I haven't posted FOREVER but I moved into my house, christmas happened, Eddie had shoulder surgery, and school started about all at the same time. But I will tell you one little tidbit I thought maybe I should share.

I am not kidding when I say that this injury affect everything in my life. Here is evidence of that:

My dreams changed. I thought maybe I was imaging it, but lots of people really don't think that I was. Then I was reading Jill Bolte Taylor's book (I know, I'm a slow reader. Its actually a really short book) and she was mentioning how her stroke changed her dreams, and I thought "Yes! I get it! My head injury changed my dreams!" And it did. My dreams all the sudden (after a little stint in a coma) became very regular. The plot would involve getting a text or something uneventful and boring. But how exciting is this- my dreams are getting weird again! Last night I dreamed about a pet sparrow (or more like 5) that I found in my car, and the other night I dreamed that my Dads older sister had a new baby and I was sitting her and I took it to yoga and she loved it. The baby did all the poses.

So maybe I qualify as healed? I have strange dreams.

Isn't the human body amazing?

2008-12-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

Nevermind the elasticity of the brain or its ability to bounce back for intense injury. There are more common miracles, which we must realize. Here is a forward from my dad.

"Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull___ …….

Best Wishes,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX"

I am a lucky woman to be able to say that I really don't relate to this woman. Yeah, I've been know to have "intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior" but those are typical enough that I really can't blame it on my period. Maybe my hormones are just out of whack all the time? I must say, I'm convinced my injury affected my pituitary gland, and that affects your hormones. But my time of the month can't be used as an excuse for my erratic behavior (or Audi purchases) or borderline abusive verbal occurances. That just comes naturally. Just remember that next time you don't think my husband is incredible.

New!

2008-12-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

I am going to be honest with you guys.

I bought a car. The reason not everyone knows this is cuz I'm scared of what people will think. Because its an Audi. People will think I'm a rich, spoiled, brat which isn't completely true. I am a brat. But the only reason I was thinking this car wasn't a good idea was because I knew I would give people the wrong impression. Everything else has been perfect! The car is more than wonderful.

This is a picture someone else took of this particular type and year of Audi. And its the same color. I don't have the time to take a good picture of it. I do have the contacts and resources, just not the time!

Its a 2002 A6 Allroad Quattro Wagon and I couldn't imagine a better car. Really, it was more affordable than one would think and we got it for 4 or 5,000 below blue book value. I'm just afraid if people see the car I drive they'll think of me in a different light.

There is a reason I am telling you this on my brain injury blog. I lost all of my independence when I got hurt. And having a car will make me feel like I can do more. I feel like I can't do anything for myself anymore. This way I can grocery shop and buy Christmas gifts without having to drive my husband to work and then come back home and blah blah blah. And I get to feel so hot in my car. Literally. I have seat warmers on all 5 seats and a steering wheel warmer and all. And I can plug it in at night so the engine stays warm. My husband mentioned that "so and so as well as so and so only have one car. Why can't we?" And I had to explain that I have emotional and independence issues and you can't compare me to many others.

So there is my confession. And it makes me happy!

Laser Tag

2008-12-14T20:04:00.000-08:00

Eddie and I love to dress up. Dressing up can make any event that much more fun! So a trip to a friends birthday party to Laser Assault made for a perf opportunity to play like three year old girls putting on there princess outfits. So this is how we ended up...like ninjas.

In case you were wondering, that' a panty hose on my head. We had so much fun getting ready! But playing was also a blast.
But my husband a I both learned a lesson. We shouldn't have let me run around in the dark with lots of other people. I went around a corner and ran smack into my friend and the impact made my head hit the wall. And I got a huge goose-egg with a little cut and it wasn't to far off from where the horse kicked me so it almost really hurt me. It could have been really bad. But in my friends defense, I shouldn't have been there. As evidenced by the coma, I must have a soft head. You'd think I'd learn...
It is so sad to me that I have to live my life without even playing little kid games cuz its too dangerous. Eddie feels like he shouldn't have left my side. I feel like I need a babysitter but maybe I do. Or he thinks I should have worn a helmet, which would have helped.
I have this thing now that I've been hurt. I get surprised really easy and I jerk my head back, no matter what. Even if I expect it (so I'm really not surprised) or if its Eddie, who I really trust. So I kept jerking my head all over the place wacking my head against the wall. I hit my head pretty hard that one time and a couple little times too. Man this disability is so not fun. I don't think many handicaps are though.

2008-12-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

I just think its interesting how much Jill slept during her immediate recovery. She said she would get exhausted in about 20 minutes and sleep for about 6 hours. That wasn't too far off from my recovery. But I barely remember when I could only stay up for 20 minutes. But I do remember my nurses encouraging me to stay awake for longer periods of time. I remember showers exhausted me! People shower in the morning to wake up but I would shower (often times for occupational therapy! As if showering could even be my occupation!)but I would shower and then go back to bed and cuddle up and fall asleep, usually with my hair still wet.

Lets expand on this showering experience. The Occupation Therapist (usually a girl named Kelly) would shower with me, or a nurse would, or my mom, or sister, and once my cousin, Jamie. How embarrassing is that?! All dignity...gone. There I was....all naked...for the world to see. But my husband swears he didn't see me naked or topless or anything until we got married, so thats good. He would leave the room when they gave me a sponge bath. which, from what I hear, wasn't as often as one would hope.

More Book Club

2008-12-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

Jill Bolte Taylor said something else that was interesting:

"Even though my brain remained lined with filing cabinets, it was as if all the drawers had been slammed shut and the cabinets pushed just beyond my reach. I was aware that I knew all this stuff, that my brain held a wealth of information. But where was it? If the information was still there, I no longer could retrieve it."

I'm very jealous of Jill (well, maybe not) because she got to see what was going on. She got to see the deterioration of her brain. I never experienced that. One second I was breaking a horse, the next second I was in a hospital room. And my Dad was telling me "Bree, you were in a coma. A horse kicked you in the head. You can't walk or talk." I tried to tell him he was all wrong, that I was fine, but I couldn't get the words out. I tried, but it wasn't coming out. My head didn't hurt, and all I could think was "I can talk just fine, but I'm not going to talk to you. Cuz YOU did this to me." I was denying it because I felt fine. So fine that it never occurred to me to try 3 X 5 in my head, which I'm sure I couldn't do and would have proven to myself that things weren't right. I remember when I could talk Eddie would ask me "What's your birthday" and I would answer (very sure of myself) that it was "Oct. 12th" and then the next day I would say "January 3rd." I knew that it wasn't the same day as I said the day before, but I couldn't remember what I said. I thought "this time I am right!" but my birthday is March 24th (remember that for next year!).

So I just wish I could have been more aware of what was happening to me. She was conscious the whole time. I wasn't. But she also said that she wished she could have been unconscious the whole time for the pain. So I was lucky there.

job

2008-11-29T07:10:00.001-08:00

I'll keep you up to date on my life. But that means we'll have to take a sabbatical from my book review. I'll come back to it, I promise.
So here it is. A couple weeks ago I interviewed at New Haven. Lots of people said "oh, you want to work there? Well you can get a job there, no problem" but apparently there is a problem, cuz I got a call saying that they picked someone else. Great. What am I supposed to do now?
Then I talked to the, I'm assuming, HR person and asked what I can work on if I want to work in that field. What it boiled down to is that they need someone who will lay down the law. The thing is that during the interview she asked "how do you know your emotionally strong enough to work with at risk youth" and I'm pretty sure that was the only question that wasn't on her little list of questions to ask. Probably cuz I was close to crying about everything (thanks to the crying center of my brain being bumped). That never means I'm sad. It just doesn't. If anything I'll lay down that law too strongly and show no remorse. That's cuz really I'm kinda a mean spirited person. I've been through this much, I think I'm pretty strong by now. And then she told me to "try again.". Did she mean there? cuz I am way too proud (I know that's not a good thing, thank you) and I know my worth way too much. I am meant to be a glorified babysitter. So guys...help me out please. Let me know if you know of a place I can work. With at risk or mentally handicap kids. Please, I need a more fulfilling job guys. I need your help! Don't disappoint me!

Bookclub!

2008-11-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

Well, Ok, I will be the discussion leader of this book club, but please, if you have insight, lets hear it!

I underlined some quotes while reading that I thought were interesting. I'm just going to talk about one at a time, so not to take too much time from me or have a blog that is too overwhelming to read. So here is a thought:

Jill Bolte Taylor, the brain scientist, said that "if someone has damage to their right hemisphere, they may not appropriately assess the emotional content of a message." Well guess who had damage to the right hemisphere? Me. I remember when I had just been out of the hospital for a few months and I was with my then fiance at a party at a friends house. I asked a girl a question and the walked away. My husband asked me if I realized that the girl I had been talking to was crying right before I walked up to her. I didn't, but I felt stupid that I couldn't pick up on that, so I said "oh, yeah...I hope she's alright." He always asks me if I notice that certain people are in a bad mood, or are frustrated, or whatever emotion, and I usually don't. Well, I do think that he is ULTRA sensitive to those things and I probably wouldn't pick up on them anyway, or maybe he is wrong. But I just don't get the emotional context of anything. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this problem. You know how you feel so much better when you understand your problem or realize that you aren't the only one? I know I do. But the canker sore thing...no one can give me an answer for that.

Foreign Accent Syndrome Gives Sufferers an International Sound

2008-11-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

I got this info from ABC and the article is by andrea canning.

I thought this was so interesting!

Foreign Accent Syndrome, or FAS- an extremely rare brain disorder that, as the name implies, causes its sufferers to speak as if they are from a foreign country.

So this article highlights a woman named CindyLou Romberg. And the syndrome is likely related to an accident in 1981 when CindyLou suffered a depressed skull fracture after falling out of a moving truck. She recovered from a severe brain injury, and spoke normally until just two years ago when she lost her voice for a couple of days after a visit with a chiropractor.

When her voice came back, it was not the one she had grown up with.

"She may have suffered a small episode of decreased blood supply to the brain during the manipulation that provided an additional injury, which led to the FAS," neuroscientist Julius Fridriksson said.

I thought this was extra interesting because I have an acquaintance that spoke with a British accent. And was from NO WHERE near England. Or from anywhere that would give this person an accent. And I had closer friends who knew this person better who said that they had talked to this person about it and there were some deeper, neurological issues. Which I thought was BS until now. I wish more people knew about this. It really is neurological! People would be more understanding.

My Stroke of Insight

2008-11-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

I just started reading "My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor. She is a brain scientist who suffered from a stroke while still a professor at Harvard. Apparently, Oprah featured this book and my cousin also recommended it. Then I was told about it at a brain injury/stroke support group. I figured that maybe I should read it.

I am really excited! I just started it and after only reading the introduction I needed to stop to tell you that this book could be IT!

We could, like, have an online book club! If you read it, or have read it, lets hear about it!

What I Know For Sure...

2008-10-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

Oprah always asks this question, and to be honest, I want to be Oprah. Except in some ways, I'd rather be me. I know for sure I like me. But really, what do you know for sure? Not involving Christ, which I hope we all know for sure. But besides that, what do you know? ANSWER ME THIS! What do you know for sure?

I'll start:

I know that there are a billion things to learn from my experience in the hospital

Mostly involving pushing a stick...

And also how to stack cups...

And how people really aren't looking too hot after a coma...

I know that Eddie always has my best interest in mind. He always wants the best for me, even if its not.

I also know that the forbidden city is FREEZING in December, but then again, most places are.

I know that we're all going to be fine despite this "financial crisis," which really is the lamest excuse for a crisis ever because everyone will be unscathed, and crises usually involve something bad happening.

Ashamed

2008-10-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am embarrassed. Totally ashamed. I was doing my weekly grocery shopping the other day and I had to get a jar of horseradish (I swear it wasn't for me! I don't eat that nasty crap...It was for my husband, who eats everything.) from the top shelf. It was glass. And I had a hard time finding such a small, random thing so this nice employee was helping me find it (I was at the Sunflower Market which I LOVE and where things are cheep and locally grown and where the employees are nice). My shaky hands were out of control and they knocked a jar of horseradish right off the shelf and it came tumbling and crashing and shattering to the floor. And there was that nasty horseradish all over the place. I felt horrible, and I want that store to succeed even in this not so hot economy. And even though I hear that places with so much organic stuff often don't succeed because the food rots so fast. I ruined their jar! And I wanted to pay for it. But as with any store with even kind of good customer service, they said they didn't want my money(which I totally appreciate, by the way. Even though I say I want to pay I really don't. Who would. And I said "they said they didn't want my money" because I'm sure they would have loved it.). And so I felt like crap. And I checked out and restrained my steps to like a normal walking speed and got in my car. And cried. I cry a lot. This was the first time that my motor issues have caused a problem.

I mean, its never been an issue before. I have motor issues, but I've always avoided the situation where it can be a problem or I ask Eddie or my parents for help, which isn't a problem. But I felt stupid.

Drunk

2008-10-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

I was told something the other day by a doctor. Apparently, the cerebellum is the part of the brain that is affected when you're drunk. And thats the part of my brain that was most injured and that they took a little piece out of. So I'm permanently drunk. Maybe that explains why I laughed so very much the first few months I was out of the hospital. I still kind of laugh a lot, but not like before.

So I wonder what that means for my driving. Should I be driving? Is it like driving drunk? I'm sure I'm not so under the influence like I was a couple years ago, but still? Also, what if I got pulled over and they did a sobriety test. Oh how quickly I would fail. I would have to show them my scars. They probably still wouldn't believe me. Just you wait-- I'll get a DUI. Or they'll be really confused when they find no alcohol with the breathalyser.

Another thing. If I got drunk (like with alcohol) would it be like I was un-drunk? I've always wondered what I would be like drunk. I guess now I know. I wonder if it would be the same. I guess there is only one way to find out, but I'm not sure if I'm curious enough.

Lets Be Positive

2008-09-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

I am in an especially positive mood right now. So, together, you and I, lets be positive. Please, leave a comment and add to this list.

Lets think of all of the benefits to having a head injury.

1. If its severe enough, you get to be in a coma. I could talk about the pros to being in a coma for days. I really recommend it. One should be in a coma for a paper cut. How great is it to not feel pain?! My injury never hurt, which is a good thing because I'm kind of a wuss. True, my eyebrows and legs were above average hairy, but check out how long my nails were!

They never get this long! Unless I happen to be in bed for a couple months. Also, I had stomach problems before I got hurt, and they're gone now! I think because my stomach had a month to be empty and stuff, it could heal. Medically, its good too.

But the #1 benefit to a coma is that you don't have to go through the emotional pain that everyone else goes though for those months. I've told my family and loved ones that I couldn't handle it if someone else went through this injury. I didn't have to feel or watch my loved ones go through this trauma. I destroyed my then fiancee and family. I never had be destroyed like that. We're not talking about the destroying I did and do feel. We're being positive.

...I should have made an outline or something because being in a coma, a positive of a head injury, could have its own list of positives...

2. You get a handicap parking pass. We're not worrying about the looks you get from paraplegics when they see you use it because you LOOK fine.

3. You get all sorts of government funded help for being "disabled." How about Voc. Rehab. and how I don't have to pay for my schooling. Look into your state and see if they offer these services.

4. You have an unquestionable eternal excuse. So what it I don't have a good singing voice? I can barely talk! If I say I can't look up because of my injury, is someone really going to question me?

5. When you do normal things, people think its AMAZING because you were injured, as if that really makes it near impossible!

6. I didn't have to do lots of tough, strong things before because I'm a girl (a little one at that), but now no one ever asks me to do much physical labor. Unless I sign up for it myself, as evidenced by the 7 houses I'm building.

I can be positive 6 times, and you should be happy with that!!!

Cell Phones

2008-09-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

I personally do not want anything else to worry about, especially when it comes to the brain. I've got enough on my plate. And this warning, which I'm sure is not new to most of us, makes me actually believe that it MIGHT be a real problem, which I was really busy trying to deny. Maybe we SHOULD be concerned. How horrible would it be if all of my generation turned 40 and we all died of brain cancer? I'd rather not.

Scientists warn US Congress of cancer risk for cell phone use

The potential link between mobile telephones and brain cancer could be similar to the link between lung cancer and smoking -- something tobacco companies took 50 years to recognize, according to US scientists' warning.

Scientists are currently split on the level of danger the biological effects of the magnetic field emitted by cellular telephones poses to humans.

However, society "must not repeat the situation we had with the relationship between smoking and lung cancer where we ... waited until every 'i' was dotted and 't' was crossed before warnings were issued," said David Carpenter, director of the Institute of Health and Environment at the University of Albany, in testimony before a subcommittee of the US House of Representatives Committee on Oversight and Reform.

"Precaution is warranted even in the absence of absolutely final evidence concerning the magnitude of the risk" -- especially for children, said Carpenter.

Ronald Herberman, director of the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute -- one of the top US cancer research centers -- said that most studies "claiming that there is no link between cell phones and brain tumors are outdated, had methodological concerns and did not include sufficient numbers of long-term cell phone users."

Many studies denying a link defined regular cell phone use as "once a week," he said.

"Recalling the 70 years that it took to remove lead from paint and gasoline and the 50 years that it took to convincingly establish the link between smoking and lung cancer, I argue that we must learn from our past to do a better job of interpreting evidence of potential risk," said Herberman. A brain tumor can take dozens of years to develop, the scientists said.

Carpenter and Herberman both told the committee the brain cancer risk from cell phone use is far greater for children than for adults.

Herberman held up a model for lawmakers showing how radiation from a cell phone penetrates far deeper into the brain of a five-year-old than that of an adult.

The committee were shown several European studies, particularly surveys from Scandinavia -- where the cell phone was first developed -- which show that the radiation emitted by cell phones have definite biological consequences.

For example, a 2008 study by Swedish cancer specialist Lennart Hardell found that frequent cell phone users are twice as likely to develop a benign tumor on the auditory nerves of the ear most used with the handset, compared to the other ear.

A separate study in Israel determined that heavy cell phone users had a 50 percent increased likelihood in developing a salivary gland tumor.

In addition, a paper published this month by the Royal Society in London found that adolescents who start using cell phones before the age of 20 were five times more likely to develop brain cancer at the age of 29 than those who didn't use a cell phone.

"It's only on the side of the head where you use the cell phone," Carpenter said.

"Every child is using cell phones all of the time, and there are three billion cell phone users in the world," said Herberman.

He added that, like the messages that warn of health risks on cigarette packs, cell phones "need a precautionary message."

Carpenter described the situation as "a critical public health issue," and called on the US government to support further research and for the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), in charge of monitoring the use of the radio spectrum, "to review their standards."

Also testifying was Julius Knapp, who heads the FCC office of engineering and technology -- responsible for setting limits for human exposure to radio frequency (RF) energy from electronic devices like telephones that they approve, to prevent it from heating up live tissue.

"It is important to understand that we rely on guidance from US health, safety and environmental agencies in setting those limits," Knapp said.

He added: "The FCC staff is not sufficiently qualified to speak with authority to the science of health effects of RF absorption in the body."

The Small Things

2008-09-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I performed an amazing feat. I went DOWN stairs (in case you were unaware, going down is much harder than going up. I learned this when I first started to walk) two stairs at a time.

When I was hurt I was told that after I learned the big things (walking, talking, etc...) I need to keep celebrating and getting excited about the smaller accomplishments, which, in this case, is going down stairs quicker.

Its acknowledging these small things that we need to keep moving forward. You can only learn to walk so many times. But I know that I want to keep improving. I want to be better than I ever was.

Life

2008-09-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband and I played a game of Life. Seriously SO fun! I love love love games. All kinds of games-- board games, card games, games you play with boy's minds....ALL KINDS! Well, actually, my husband said he liked me because I didn't play games. But it sounds like it would fit the pattern.

Anyways, I did all the playing with my left hand. Thats the rule...it makes me get used to using my left hand. Its a little advantage I give my husband...each time he catches me using my right he gets a little help. He gets more money, in the case of Life. Or I have to draw two in the case of Uno. This way I make sure to use my left for something more than getting in the way.

Really, what it is is just pay back. When Eddie and I play foosball I make him only use his left hand and he only gets to move around one bar. The idea is to give me a fighting chance but he still wins. Its amazing...he's good.

Leon Bloy

2008-09-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

My friend quoted a man named Leon Bloy, a french novelist, in her blog. He said:

"There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be."

Well I hope Leon was right! This reminds me that my trials may all be for the best.

I just liked this quote and I want to it with you

My PDA

2008-09-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

I got a new phone! Through the recommendation of my therapist along with studies done by Dr. Bigler's doctorate students, Vocation Rehabilitation was convinced that I needed a phone with PDA capabilities. Neurological evaluations showed that my memory is worse than just not good, so the state bought me a phone. Check it out:

I'm having WAY too much fun with it. I just got it the other day and I'm loving it. I'm retroactively putting stuff in my planner so I feel like I'm busy. I think it will really help me because for the past three years I've missed one appointment after the other because I forget. Oops! Hopefully my excitement won't really wear off and I'll get used to using it until it becomes a habit to put stuff in my planner.

Listen to what I did today; I suggest everyone does this even if you haven't had an injury. It makes things smoother.

Every Saturday I make a menu for the entire week so I always know what I'm going to eat. Who else hates to look in the fridge (or cupboards) and try to think of something to make, only to realize you are out of milk? Or something else... then you realize that you only have one car and your husband has it so you can't even go to the store. Or when you shop and just buy what looks good, and it probably won't help you to have in the future? I got sick of this. So once a week I do most of my grocery shopping and get the planning out of the way because it sucks. Well this week I put my grocery list and menu on my phone. Categorized into lists of things I need to buy at Costco or what-not. It rejuvenized my weekly grocery shopping. DO IT! It provides more freedom. I promise.

New Haven

2008-08-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

Three times I've had the opportunity to go to New Haven Residential Treatment Center in both Spanish Fork and Saratoga Springs, Utah, and I love it! I think I might be going one more time. New Haven is by far my favorite place to go speak. I just tell them about the fun I've had recovering and what its been like and stuff. The girls are all so wonderful and I have respect for them for what they're going through. Its so much fun! And I totally am at awe of the work they do there.

I want to live here:

Neuromodulation Therapy

2008-08-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

I've seen some weird things in my life, and you'd think that anything with the word "neuro" wouldn't surprise me, after my neurological "issue," but this was good. My first introduction to neuromodulation therapy came from my Aunt Lindsey, who told me that it's a doctor who "talks to your hand," and that "its definitely worth seeing," as she had gone with my Mom to her neuromodulation therapy appointment. So, today, I went with my Mom to her appointment to check it out. I asked the doctor to "show me what you've got" and the appointment got underway.

Here is the process. The patient puts their arm up on the table, kind of like they're ready to arm wrestle the doctor, and the doctor put his or her (in the case, his) hand over the patients fist (I tried to find a picture but I couldn't; I should have just asked the Dr. to smile!). Then, to doctor opens this extensive, huge binder to a certain page and starts to read from it SUPER fast and kind of under his breath. So sometimes you just get a certain word, like "restore" or "amygadala" or "allegry." Then, apparently (I wouldn't know- I couldn't heard nor understand it!), the doctor asks a question like "do we see cellular restoration?" and then he pulls down on the patients hand. But keep in mind that NO one hears the question nor knows how to answer it. If the hand has some give and goes down a little bit, then the answer is "yes." If not, then it's "no." And this goes on and the doctor figures out what the problem is, and in some cases, cures that issue. And every few minutes the doctor turns the patient around and uses this little gadget to "stimulate" the fluids in the spine, so a more proper reading can be found. I found a picture of this! This is not my Mom, in case you didn't know, and this is not her doctor either. But here is the spinal fluid stimulator.

Yeah, fun stuff. I'm not too sure about that. But my Mom swears by it. Maybe there is some truth?

While we're on this topic, let me tell you about "cranial sacral massage." My Mom wanted me to try this just a little after I left the hospital. After much convincing and pleading, I agreed to give it a try. I figured "hey, at least there is a massage involved." How wrong was I. No massaging, just a hand placed right by your body. Now I have a picture of this that google images helped me with!

Clearly, not me nor my doctor. And they sense some energy that your body is giving off. She told me all the ways she could help me, but I never went back. I told my Mom no.

Holistic medicine I just can't seem to wrap my head around. Is it because my head isn't quite right, or is that part of my cognition normal?! I really want to believe it. I wish I did. But you have to believe in this sort of thing for it to work. Take religion for example. If you don't believe in God in the first place, how is He going to help you? So all of this holistic medicine is just "poppy cock" to me.

The Class

2008-08-12T08:38:00.001-07:00

Sorry! I forgot to keep you all up dated. But I want to keep you in the loop, so I'll tell you about the time I was stupid and went to the Abnormal Psychology class. I thought it would be good for me to go and show that I'm normal, but sometimes I do dumb things. Kind of like the time I thought it was a good idea to break a horse I KNEW would hurt me if he got the chance.

Anyways, I went to this class and I got there a little early so I heard a little of the lecture before it was my turn to talk. You know what the lecture was about...MENTAL RETARDATION. Yup. And then someone asked a question: "can you be diagnosed with mental retardation if something happens later in life, like a head injury?" I want to get the message out loud and clear that a head injury does not mean retardation. Why do people think that? And here was this university teacher with young, impressionable students having a brain injured girl talk just after a lecture about mental retardation. Not that there is anything wrong with being mentally retarded.... its just that I have enough to deal with now. And it has a negative connotation and someone else gets to fight that battle, not me. I have enough stereotypes to undo already. I just hope that some of those students come away more educated about brain injuries and I can be a good representative for those of us who got a bump on the head.

School

2008-08-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of classes! And I'm done until after Christmas! This makes me so excited! You know what I'm gonna do? Nothing.
But relax and read books I want to read and move in to my new house. And decorate it. I am so thrilled!