Depressing Thoughts

I realized, while thinking about my previously mentioned New Years Resolution that was to blog more, that if I'm going to blog more I think I need to open up more. That is something hard for me, because I'm a real person. My name is Breanne Everson King and I went to BYU and I live in Utah. This isn't anonymous, and I have friends that read this blog. If I trust someone with something, I'll tell them. But where do you draw the line? I think the whole Internet is a good place. But I feel like I should tell you.

I am this close (imagine I'm holding my fingers up close together) from totally loosing it. I go to brain injury support groups, I've read the books, and I know most people with a brain injury get overwhelmed easy and feel claustrophobic when theres a lot going on. Lots of times they can't handle loud noises or chaos. I've felt very lucky in the area. Except for this free outdoor concert in SLC that was seriously over crowed, I've handled it all pretty well.

Until I had a baby.

Archie crying and people trying to organize a HUGE family picture is a little too much. An Everson family picture is a problem in its own anyways. And going to CA sans husband 3 times in one fall is a lot to deal with. Throw in another trip to CA with husband, a trip to AZ, your baby's 1st birthday, the insanity of the holidays, YOUR HS BEST FRIENDS BABY DYING, and needing to look like you have it all together sort of makes it impossible. When Eddie and I were flying to AZ with Archie, Eddie said "we are NEVER flying anywhere else again with this kid until hes 10." I'm so glad he gets why it was so hard to fly to CA without him those other times. I'm not making it up! Archie is WILD. Fun, and cute, and my everything, but wild.

I think I've always wanted and strove to be independent, but recovering for a severe TBI makes it worse. Care givers out there, you're injured person does not want to feel incapable, stupid, or a burden. After people sitting outside my door while I shower and putting a giant bib on me, you want nothing else but to show people you can do it. And you don't need any ones help, no thanks for the offer.

This is so disorganized, its like a stream of consciousness.

Because I feel like people must think I'm dumb, I need to show them that I can do something right. I need to hand make cute gifts for people. I need a car with leather interior. One that has a bluetooth. I need a successful husband. And a baby that doesn't cry. And always looks darling. Because I can do something right, even if you think I'm a few fries short of a happy meal.

I always thought that I was made to be a mom. No, I was made to go through labor. But being a mom, thats been so tough. I always have wanted to have like 4 kids, maybe Archie will be an only child? I HATED breastfeeding, and I sort of hate it when I hear Archie cry when he wakes up from his nap. Does that make me the worst mom? I have to get out of my bed, or stop what I'm doing, because he's hungry? Give me a break. I'm a bad mom.

I've always wanted to get sick enough that I can't do my responsibilities. Like cook dinner or tend after Archie. Be careful what you wish for. As a mom, you don't get to get sick. You don't get to rest in bed. You don't get sick days at work. So I've thought I would enjoy it if I physically could not do anything. I should have enjoyed those 2 months in the hospital more. Anyways, I think I got food poisoning or something. I threw up this morning, but for the most part I've lay in bed and moaned when I get the WOST stomach craps. Makes me rather be in labor. I have a low grade fever, too. I feel like I got hit by a bus. Last time I felt this bad I woke up in the morning and felt 100%. So Eddie, who pulled an all nighter, is at work, and Archie is at my in laws. Thank goodness for them. And I've been in bed (and in the bathroom) all day. Maybe this is what I was really made for?

I feel SO GUILTY. I have the BEST baby, the BEST husband, the BEST house, the BEST car, and I could go on. But I'm not happy. I want to lay in bed all day. Oh, and the BEST phone. I really do appreciate all these things, and I know I should feel so satisfied and blessed, but I don't. However, I'm sure when I have a million dollars I will be happy though, right? I feel like I'm clawing for the edge of the swimming pool, but drowning.

If you read the title, I wasn't lying.

And lets talk about Ruby Jane Taylor. I know I could have saved that baby. I'm sure I could have stopped my friends indescribable paid. However, I was glad when the liver donation organizer lady told me I wasn't a match because I of my previous TBI. I was relieved that my life wouldn't have to be put on pause for 2 months. I figured someone else would work out, and I wouldn't be the one. I knew that baby would be fine. But she wasn't. I feel that if I was more persistent, and more pushy, and more selfless, Ani would have her 2 little girls still.

I think I should go see a counselor, or a therapist, don't you?