CA 2011

California has been rough to me over the past few months. To me, South Orange County is perfection, but over the past couple months it has been hard. With everything with Ruby and this past Ca trip, I mean. My cousin got married in Newport, and thats why I was there this weekend. It was very beautiful. I am so very happy for her, and her new husband. But I decided to drive down (I was too excited about my new car to leave it home! Black 2009 Nissan Rogue, and I love it!) but my cousin I was going to drive with got really sick last minute. And my little sister's ride wasn't working out, so she decided to come with me. If she didn't say she would help, I would fly or find someone else to drive with. So, yes, I expected to have help from her. On the way down Archie would be crying and she'd be closing her eyes. That set me off to start my weekend in a bad mood, but there were no fights going down. Just resentment, so, you know, NO BIG DEAL.

I was SUPER CLOSE to a couple of my cousins a little before I got hurt. I always hope its going to be the same. I always want to feel such a bond with them again. But its not even close....and I want it to be so bad. I always hold on to the hope that we can stay up and talk and stuff, but no. A couple things happened around the same time I got hurt. I got engaged, I moved in with other friends, and then my parents moved to Utah and I moved in with them. So I don't really know why. It was probably my fault our relationships seem to end there. I got married, they had adventures together. Now that Archie is here, it seems cemented. We're doing different things; we just have shallow conversations about whatever. Not that I blame them, AT ALL, but our lives are just in totally different places now. I know I need to just grow up, move on. Why is it so hard for me?

So I was still not happy at all when this weekend was coming to an end. Then my sister dropped a bomb on me: She was going to do some reading for school and write 2 papers on the way home. And these were papers for a college course, not papers for middle school. You know how long that would take me to do? At least 3 or 4 hours, and thats not including a baby crying, a radio on (to keep the lone driver awake), and getting car sick while reading while driving (and I'm not even abnormal about my car sick levels). So breakdown ensued, including (but not necessarily ending with) getting out of my car and walking to my grandma's house (in Newport). Are you kidding me?

Wow, I was furious. I hate to admit it, and it makes to cry to write this (it never gets easier to say or realize), but I'm not the same person I was before I got hurt. It does not take much to set me off. And by "off" I mean capable of saying the most hurtful thing I can think of. In my defense, I told my sister a compromise I was willing to make, and told her if she could think of a different one, I was willing to listen. She just left. After my sister left the house the next morning and wouldn't answer or return my phone calls, and I left alone to drive home to Utah with my baby (If I was going to drive 12 hours alone I had to get started! And I had to keep my baby safe; he's my top priority now), I sent her the following text (remember, I have no problem saying mean things when I'm mad)

"I'm pretty sure I'm being rational right now, but if I'm not its not my fault because you're the one who couldn't hold the horse."

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but my sister was holding the horse and I was standing in the middle of him, around his back. Then the horse jumped forward and kicked, getting me in the head. For 6 years I haven't mentioned to anyone that I wonder if maybe things would have been different if she kept that horse from getting so far ahead of me so I was in his kicking range. I know it was an accident. I knew that if she knew that is what I was thinking she'd be hurt. But, thats what you get for hurting me I guess.

Where would I be now? Would I get to have my perfect son? Would I be married to such a wonderful man? Would I remember my appointments? Would I still have my cousins as friends? I'll never know, I guess.